I’m tired. Last night driving home I was exhausted. Sometimes when I stop to think about what the future holds I’m so uncertain. I know that never again in my life do I want to stray from what I have decided is “right” in my heart. Too much unhappiness. I like certainty, I like “my little world”.
When I think about Curtis I don’t know what to think. Things would be so simple if only he were a JW. All my worries would disappear. Maybe that’s shallow knowing that Brad was one and that still left me with MANY problems – but we seem so perfect together, excepting that little thing. Yeah, I know that that’s my problem. It is the way I think about it.
Problem is I really believe that through sharing a faith you have so much more stability in a relationship. You have common beliefs and a starting point for working things out. I honestly believe if Brad had practiced as we were taught as witnesses we would still be together. Same goes for my actions at the end.
So here I am. I’m looking forward to being reinstated. (Although it’s so much more than just that.) I’m hoping against hope, praying that I haven’t stood in my own way of that happening this time around. I hope that I am right hearted before Jehovah, and I can return to his organization soon.
Everything else – I don’t know. When I get back in one day (because that much is an inevitablity) and assuming that Curtis and I are still together (which I believe will be the case) what will I do? Marrying “only in the Lord”. That’s what I face. Maybe it doesn’t make sense to him, but it makes sense to me. I don’t want to “break” any more rules. I don’t want to go against what I know brings blessings and happiness. But I don’t know if he’ll ever be “one of us”. I wish it were appropriate to pray for that. I would so fervently.
There’s a gray line when you dream of a person, but a the person isn’t all your dreams. I can’t imagine being with anyone else. Loving anyone, or feeling as one with anyone else in my life. If I’m wrong I’ll be so surprised. But I do want it all. I want him. I want to share my love for Jehovah with him. I want (here’s where I shift to “someone”) someone to conduct family bible studies. Someone who’ll go out in service with me. Most importantly someone who loves Quick Build’s as much as I do. Can’t that someone be him?