Archive from February, 2001
Feb 27, 2001 - Nibbles    No Comments

I’m tired. Last night driving home I was exhausted. Sometimes when I stop to think about what the future holds I’m so uncertain. I know that never again in my life do I want to stray from what I have decided is “right” in my heart. Too much unhappiness. I like certainty, I like “my little world”.

When I think about Curtis I don’t know what to think. Things would be so simple if only he were a JW. All my worries would disappear. Maybe that’s shallow knowing that Brad was one and that still left me with MANY problems – but we seem so perfect together, excepting that little thing. Yeah, I know that that’s my problem. It is the way I think about it.

Problem is I really believe that through sharing a faith you have so much more stability in a relationship. You have common beliefs and a starting point for working things out. I honestly believe if Brad had practiced as we were taught as witnesses we would still be together. Same goes for my actions at the end.

So here I am. I’m looking forward to being reinstated. (Although it’s so much more than just that.) I’m hoping against hope, praying that I haven’t stood in my own way of that happening this time around. I hope that I am right hearted before Jehovah, and I can return to his organization soon.

Everything else – I don’t know. When I get back in one day (because that much is an inevitablity) and assuming that Curtis and I are still together (which I believe will be the case) what will I do? Marrying “only in the Lord”. That’s what I face. Maybe it doesn’t make sense to him, but it makes sense to me. I don’t want to “break” any more rules. I don’t want to go against what I know brings blessings and happiness. But I don’t know if he’ll ever be “one of us”. I wish it were appropriate to pray for that. I would so fervently.

There’s a gray line when you dream of a person, but a the person isn’t all your dreams. I can’t imagine being with anyone else. Loving anyone, or feeling as one with anyone else in my life. If I’m wrong I’ll be so surprised. But I do want it all. I want him. I want to share my love for Jehovah with him. I want (here’s where I shift to “someone”) someone to conduct family bible studies. Someone who’ll go out in service with me. Most importantly someone who loves Quick Build’s as much as I do. Can’t that someone be him?

Feb 26, 2001 - Nibbles    No Comments

I love Curtis. He has shown me what love is, and has no idea how much I really love him. Today dealing with my feelings I realized how much I truly do love him. When it was natural for me to feel like shutting down my feelings and to walk away to protect what I want to achieve. To walk away from anything in my way. But I knew I didn’t want to walk away from you. I may not have known the answer, a resolution, but I knew it wasn’t leaving you.

On the way to talk to you I prayed. I asked for help in expressing how I felt, in knowing what to say, and however I said it, not chasing you away. When we talked you were so perfect. You knew exactly the two choices. You said we could either stop seeing eachother, because it’s just too hard, or keep dating but not let it happen. You said you knew that I needed to get back in.

The other day you said that you knew I’d make it. You don’t know how much your support means to me.

I know what I want. I want to please Jehovah. I want to be worthy of worshipping along side all of my friends in his organization. I want to make him happy.

For so long I’ve talked about “when I get my life back”. I now know that life never stopped.