Archive from March, 2001
Mar 26, 2001 - Nibbles    No Comments

Today I spent the better part of five hours in an “argument” with Curtis. The nice thing is although it was miserable to go through I think at the end we got somewhere.
I love him. It’s hard to think of all the problems we’ll have to face going forward that other couples never even think about. It’s hard when every once in awhile someone does a reality check on me. Today I had lunch with Brian, and he gave me a doubtful look when I said that Curtis would go with me to the meetings.
I wish there was someway to make this all right. I’m not about changing the person I love even if it would make my “dream world” perfect. And being a Jehovah’s Witness isn’t worth anything unless it’s whole-hearted.
In my perfect dream world everyone would come to our wedding (including all my friends) because Curtis (along the way of time) had decided he believed as I do, and got baptized as a “servant of Jehovah”. My parents would embrace him with open arms (I already know that except for that they’d love him to death) and my friends would welcome him into “our group”.
We’d have kids who’d hang out with Ashley & Chris’ (when they have them of course) and the next time a quickbuild came around we’d be working on it together, side-by-side, and who know’s maybe he’d even work with my dad.
But that’s not happening. It’s nice to think about though. I love him. Although I don’t think loving him is a mistake, I take comfort in the words of another of his favorite songs “loving might be a mistake, but it’s worth making”.

On another note, the conversation from today: Curtis made so many good points. It’s hard to accept that I’ve become so depressed and dependant. That I’ve given up having control of my life, and taking charge of my own happiness. That always makes me think of Mike’s dad, Big Mike, when he told me I am in control of my happiness.
I need to snap out of looking for anyone else to hold me up. I need to stop leaning on Curtis, and I need to stop doing things that take me away from my goal.
I only wish I had someone to support me. I’ll never take for granted again what it means to have people who really know your path, and understand your life. I hope that one day when we make it to that day, that Curtis will be able to share that with me too. That we truly can be one. One in all ways, and in the most important way.

Mar 19, 2001 - Nibbles    No Comments

Here I am almost midnight and unable to sleep. There is an aching in my heart. An empiness maybe? Why do I have to allow myself to look back? Pity is pitiful. Still I can’t seem to chase away this hollow in my heart. I wish I could cry. Maybe I could cry it away. But my tears are silent, and my pain is haunting. Am I kidding myself. Am I trying to live a dream. Will I wake up one day and realize someone was playing a joke on me and this wasn’t really real?
It’s a diving feeling within the depths of my soul. A wash of agony through my center. Crying out, but for what I’m uncertain. Hold me. Tell me it will all be better. Take this cup from me. Let tears wash away my pain.

Mar 18, 2001 - Nibbles    No Comments

Another weekend. Another attempt to begin again. To turn around and get it right.
Curtis met Clayton, and he may go to the Hall with him. I feel like I have a chance, and I’d be a fool to pass it up. I have someone I love dearly and I know what makes me happy. Now I’ve just “say no” – find my resolve. I’m starting my reading schedule and going to get back on the ball with my Daily Text. Here’s to my dedication.

Mar 15, 2001 - Nibbles    No Comments

I’m home. I’m feeling pretty good. I have a plan, and I have support. I keep forgetting to print out the “read the Bible” in a year schedule, which keeps me from reading. Poor excuse I know. We’re going dancing friday night, and I’ll crash there. We have an agreement that nothing will happen. I need that. I want to get my life back into order. I don’t know why the brothers haven’t gotten together with me to talk, but I’m considering it as time to get it together for real. I know I’m probably dreaming that I could make it back in this time around, but I’m going to use this meeting as a booster. I need to put a solid plan into action and I know the best defense is my personal study. Reading the bible, my magazines, and studying my lessons.

Sunday I’m supposed to go with Curtis to a Lutheran church. I’m wary to say the least. I wish there was some kind of way for him to see how I love who I am spiritual wise. I like where I am. I believe what I believe. I like the way I worship, the place and people I worship with. I like the standards I wish to live by.

Well I’ve got to run. Chowing down on dinner, running to the tanning bed, and then the meeting.

Mar 13, 2001 - Nibbles    No Comments

My goals.

I am practicing abstince until I’m married. To help in this I am not going to undress, shower or spend the night with Curtis anymore. No touching which leads to it. My love shouldn’t be questioned just because we’re not making love anymore.

I want to start reading the Bible everyday. I’m going to pick up where I stand to date on the year schedule I have, and read the assigned amount each night.

I’m going to continue to study my Watchtower on Sunday, and for the bookstudy on Tuesday. I need to start new routines to support this. Sunday Bob Evan’s pancakes works, I’ll find something like that for Tuesdays. I need to consider what I can do for Thursday’s.

I need to start reading the Watchtower and Awake magazines as they come in. I have subscriptions to Glamour and Cosmopolitan magazines, if I can read them, I can read these.

Mar 11, 2001 - Nibbles    No Comments

Life. One day I guess I’ll look back and reflect on this time. I’ll have fond memories, and maybe some regrets. I don’t know. I don’t know if I’m going to have a hard time… If my house will sell, letting me have enough money to live, or not. Or if I’ll do the project at work which would make it so I’d finally pay off all that debt. I don’t know if I’ll rely on my credit cards to survive a month or two – or if this is all worry for nothing.

I tell you one thing though. Life when you’re doing good is a lot less worrisome. Knowing that Jehovah is taking care of you, because you make him happy. I want to make him happy again. I feel like getting this apartment was something he wanted or supported. But I feel like I’ve failed to earn it after the fact. I hope that my house sells, that I’ll do that side project that things will work out, but I haven’t been giving him something, anything, to bless. Josh told me that ages ago, “You’ve got to give him something to bless.”

I want to do right. I want to prove I can be what I want to be. Right now I’m such a wimp. At night I don’t want to be alone. I want to be loved, and have love. I want to share my life with someone. Be taken care of. But that’s something that takes time.

I want to earn getting back in to the hall. I feel like I lose my motivation way to easy. It is so hard doing anything alone. It’s hard realizing you’re alone. Tonight I told Margo that. I told her all I have is her, and Curtis. Neither of them can support what I’m trying to do, neither of them understand.

So, I’m going to try putting myself on a schedule. Relying on Jehovah, and believing in him. Giving myself rules, and living by them. I believe if I do what’s right, all get all I long for. Its just the getting to it thats the hard part.

Mar 9, 2001 - Nibbles    No Comments

I’m tired. Curtis and I talked last night. The inevitable run away part happened. Then I had to go to the meeting. Afterwards I took a bath, got in bed, and called him to say good night. It’s so hard. I love him. But in a warped sense of view, he stands between me and my getting back into the hall. Getting it together.
Last night I wished that he would want to support me. I don’t know what’s right or wrong here. I know it’s wrong to hope that someone will change to be something that they’re not. But I don’t think it’s right to give up one of my needs/dreams either. Meanwhile its just a long time before I can “be” with him. And that’s hard too. My heart has never followed tradition, and it fails to now.
I know that it’s a good idea to wait, but my heart says it right, be there now. All of that just skips by the whole religion thing.
I’m tired.

Mar 7, 2001 - Nibbles    No Comments

Don’t know where to start. Feeling sad. More than that. But that’s a start. I hate feeling conflicted. I know my choices in life. I know what I want. I have never felt the need to justify them to anyone else. I don’t feel like I need to now.

I don’t know what will happen with Curtis and I. I love him, and yes, except for the “religion thing” we would be perfect together. But that doesn’t make me want to give up what has been the most important influence, and effect on my life up to now. It’s interesting. I also am the only thing that stands in the way of us being together. My need to have someone share with me that love. That experience. Forgive me love, but would you really want me turning to someone else to share such a big part of me? Would you want me to bury it deep and watch as it extinguishes my spirit?

The past few days I’ve found my life come back. Curtis has seen it reflected in me physically as well. My complection, my color. I don’t want to lose that.

Color Quiz Results:

    Your Existing Situation

      Willing and adaptable. Only at peace when closely attached to a person, group, or organization on a which reliance can be placed.

    Your Stress Sources

      Wants to overcome a feeling of emptiness and to bridge the gap which she feels separates herself from others. Anxious to experience life in all its aspects, to explore all its possibilities, and to live it to the fullest. She therefore resents any restriction or limitation being imposed on her and insists on being free and unhampered.

    Your Restrained Characteristics

      Feels that she cannot do much about her existing problems and difficulties and that she must make the best of things as they are. Able to achieve satisfaction from sexual activity.

    Your Desired Objective

      Preoccupied with things of an intensely exciting nature, whether erotically stimulating or otherwise. Wants to be regarded as an exciting and interesting personality with an altogether charming and impressive influence on others. Uses tactics skillfully so as to avoid endangering her chances of success or undermining others’ confidence in herself.

    Your Actual Problem

      Fights against restriction or limitation, and insists on developing freely as a result of her own efforts.

    Your Actual Problem #2

      The fear that she might be prevented from achieving the things she wants leads her to play her part with an urgent and hectic intensity.