Life. One day I guess I’ll look back and reflect on this time. I’ll have fond memories, and maybe some regrets. I don’t know. I don’t know if I’m going to have a hard time… If my house will sell, letting me have enough money to live, or not. Or if I’ll do the project at work which would make it so I’d finally pay off all that debt. I don’t know if I’ll rely on my credit cards to survive a month or two – or if this is all worry for nothing.
I tell you one thing though. Life when you’re doing good is a lot less worrisome. Knowing that Jehovah is taking care of you, because you make him happy. I want to make him happy again. I feel like getting this apartment was something he wanted or supported. But I feel like I’ve failed to earn it after the fact. I hope that my house sells, that I’ll do that side project that things will work out, but I haven’t been giving him something, anything, to bless. Josh told me that ages ago, “You’ve got to give him something to bless.”
I want to do right. I want to prove I can be what I want to be. Right now I’m such a wimp. At night I don’t want to be alone. I want to be loved, and have love. I want to share my life with someone. Be taken care of. But that’s something that takes time.
I want to earn getting back in to the hall. I feel like I lose my motivation way to easy. It is so hard doing anything alone. It’s hard realizing you’re alone. Tonight I told Margo that. I told her all I have is her, and Curtis. Neither of them can support what I’m trying to do, neither of them understand.
So, I’m going to try putting myself on a schedule. Relying on Jehovah, and believing in him. Giving myself rules, and living by them. I believe if I do what’s right, all get all I long for. Its just the getting to it thats the hard part.