Archive from September, 2001
Sep 21, 2001 - Nibbles    No Comments

Well tonight makes a year. I just happened across a calendar, and realized it. Of course having it marked on the calendar helped. Tears are rolling down my face and I’m having a moment of sadness or loss in the middle of a rather bland and discontented night. Earlier I was listening to music and “Sway” came on. Made me think of how he danced with her before he left. Made me wish that I could have ever seen that version of him. Someone who poured his heart out, who slowed danced spontaneously. But I never did get to see that version of him. Its hard not to tell myself that its because he never loved me like he loved her.

Oh Curtis, you’ll never know how much I wish everything could be perfect for us. Tonight my heart aches incrediably, and at least now I know why. Tonight I wish I could be with you. All memories and future aside. Just you and me. And love.

Where do I go from here?

Here’s to love.

Don’t stray, don’t ever go away

I should be much too smart for this

You know it gets the better of me

Sometimes, when you and I collide

I fall into an ocean of you, pull me out in time

Don’t let me drown, let me down

I say it’s all because of you

And here I go, losing my control

I’m practising your name so I can say it to your face

It doesn’t seem right, to look you in the eye

Let all the things you mean to me

Come tumbling out my mouth

Indeed it’s time to tell you why

I say it’s infintely true

Say you’ll stay, don’t come and go

Like you do

Sway my way, yeah I need to know

All about you

And there’s no cure, and no way to be sure

Why everything’s turned inside out

Instilling so much doubt

It makes me so tired – I feel so uninspired

My head is battling with my heart

My logic has been torn apart

And now it all turns sour

Come sweeten every afternoon

Sep 7, 2001 - Nibbles    No Comments

Just so I remember one day how pathetic I am, I am at work right now (night of Seven Mary Three, fight with Curtis – he ended up showing up, he knew where to find me)

Sep 7, 2001 - Nibbles    No Comments

I can’t believe it. I can’t believe how much of an asshole Curt just showed himself to be. I’m sitting in his apartment after one of the worst days I’ve ever had a work. He just left me here. Do I know where he is? No. When he’ll be back? No. Did he even bother to ask if I wanted to go where ever he went, before going? No. He must have asked Chris again, because he’s not here.

Sometimes I wonder what I do that makes people like this. Oh, Curt’s a nice guy and all. I’d never describe him as selfish. But, uh, what about me? As soon as I said I didn’t want to do whatever it was he wanted to, he marked me off his plans. Last night he was pissed when I couldn’t come running and kiss his feet and go to dinner with him. The night before I conceeded, making sure that he agreed to drive to me (I was already having dinner)… I stayed up late and played trivia with him, when I would have rather been sleeping.

At breakfast yesterday he ripped into me, and how I always have to be going, always have to be doing something. Funny. Who’s out doing who knows what, while I’m wishing we could have spent the night content on the couch?

I called Jon Austin, a bad move I know, but hey, I’m not going to be the pathetic one sitting here waiting until he comes back to “rescue” me. Kind of like a parent’s punishment…”OK, Ang, if you’ve learned how to be a proper young lady, and play nicely with what I want to do, then you can join us again.” I’m sorry. I don’t play that game.

Frankly, one thing that really pisses me off is this whole “trading up” thing. I’ve never once had the audacity to say I would want someone bigger or better. Yet, I’ve heard about all the traits he’d like to have in his perfect girl. And yet, I’m being reamed because someone is physically attractive. I guess he can dish it out, but not take it. Funny thing is I think he’s so much better than anyone else I know, in any category, but he’d never believe me, even though I’ve tried to tell him a thousand times.

So what will I do? Suck it up, grin, go have a couple of drinks with Jon, and see what happens when I get back. I’m tired of living my life being considerate to someone who isn’t much considerate to me.

Since I’m ranting, I might as well continue with the thought that just came to mind. All the time I’m “visiting” him in his cube, waiting on him to finish what ever holy work needs finished before we can go. But god forbid I work until I’m ready, and he ever have to wait on me.

What ever happened to that nice guy I met? To the guy who supposedly could be so sweet, if ever I figured out how to deserve it (which obviously I haven’t). Does he really think I’m going to swoon when he tells me all the about the amazingly sweet things he’s done for all these other girls.