just in case one day i try to look back and gloss over this, this is a reminder of how very pathetic — lonely, depressed — I am. I am so bad I subject him to my phone calls of tears and lamentions. I cry and cry over myself. i think of how i’d rather be dead. how tired i am of all of this.
i hope against hope that somehow everything is soon to be over. that some kind of “magical” force will come and sweep everything all away, and i will begin a new life. wonderful, loved, confident and fresh. a bright future ahead.
but when i think of reality i realize just how very screwed up i am. how very far that is from the truth of possibility. and how very long before any future ahead of me will look bright… if times passing will even allow for it.