Archive from January, 2002
Jan 28, 2002 - Nibbles    No Comments

It’s so interesting. My heart is torn in pieces, and all I can think about at this moment is all the ways you’ve “given me a taste of my own medicine”. You convince me that you’re meeting girls (Felisha, Kari) as “just friends”… then when I go to meet people online as “just friends” you tell me, pound it into my head, how that’s not possible, I ask you remind you about your “just friends” and you get mad because I turned it around on you. You tell me that you’re different. Three months later, you let it slip. You were looking for dating. Then isn’t it correct that I questioned (turned it around on you) it in the begining? Don’t I also get to question your level of honesty with me? (I am always completely honest with you, even when its not flattering or helpful to me at all.)

Then another circumstance… Seeing Jon Austin at Rock Bottom for the first time. I tell you about how we’re just friends (and that was the truth despite any consequences later) and you tell me how humilating that was to happen in front of the guys, and how bad it looked and how getting numbers isn’t about making friends… I smirk when I wonder if you were at the same pool table when you got her number, in front of all the same characters in our story. But, you know, you’re different. It’s different.

And you know what? I still continue to believe, have faith and trust again. Why? Because I guess I know the truth inside me, even when you don’t tell me… and I just block the facts – that the truth so many times no hasn’t really been the whole truth.

I guess it’s over. I came home to cry, to be angry. To wonder how people stop loving, when someone is also trying to gain their attention and try to love them (“Oh, hang on for several months while I mourn the loss of the ‘one who got away’, my soulmate, etc.”)

I guess I feel incredabily silly to learn that while I was creating boundary’s, trying so hard to maintain not in my mind, but in everyone’s that I was “just friends” with Josh, that you were instantanously referring to me as your ex-girlfriend. And several times over. Why did I try so hard? If I was only your ex-girlfriend than I have nothing to feel guilty about, right? And HEY DAMN IT – the words came from your mouth. You can’t take them back. Unless you didn’t mean it… in which case who are you lying to right now? Me? Or Casey? And by the way, it just dawned on me that you’re still lying to yourself. Telling someone about your EX-girlfriend is something you do only when you want to keep that path open – When you worry more about what Casey thinks, than about my certified status. So- I guess that’s what I mean by we’re even. I was your labelled (several times over the weekend) ex-girlfriend, therefore the fact that I was kissed cannot and will not be held against me in a court of law.

Oh, but I guess you’re different. The same rules don’t apply to you that apply to me. (It’s so hard not to read “I’m better than you” when you say that too!)

So what? Do I show this to you? Do you say how I’m psycho or something? No, I keep it to myself. Maybe you’ll see. And maybe you won’t. Maybe one day you’ll notice that at 11:16pm on that same Friday night you were talking to Casey about your ex-girlfriend (who incidently you HAD just spoken to) she was being an idiot and posting “all i long to do is to be held by you.” Oh, and that stupid poem. [inserted below]

Questions that apparently I can’t ask without being “pyschotic”, so I’ll ask them here. Did you really want me to call you this weekend? We talked Friday night, you met Casey, and then you spent time with her. Wouldn’t it be inconvienent for me to call while you were hanging out with her? (Yeah, I know same story as you calling/not callilng here… but at least I’m honest about it.)

As for not telling me about her… Well I guess in a way you already proved that you didn’t. You hide the fact that you were interested (although now you tell me, later doesn’t count for as much, as I’m sure you’d tell me in the same situation) and then you excuse it behind the fact that you were thinking about me the whole time and couldn’t get me out of your mind. Oh, OK, now I understand. LOL

So what’s the little bit of thinking that I’ve been able to do come down to? That I guess this is just another instance of not giving up. I’m thinking who cares about all the thoughts I thought I needed to figure out before this conversation, why am I worrying about it all? You are ready for another relationship, you just don’t want to let go until you have another girlfriend in place. It doesn’t matter whether or not I have any interest in someone or not, that’s just when you make a play for me again. In all actuality and reality, you’ve been looking since July and we both just can’t admit it. Sidenote: I’m sure if you asked Chris he would tell us so.

Its just so hard to let go. So hard to give up. Am I an ass? Yes. There will always be you. Two other women have told me that while they’re married to their husbands (and happily so) that they still and often think about that other guy. So I guess I’ll be another case of that. I guess it comes down to doing what’s best for yourself. Not being with the one that you’ll never forget, and always love. Because that one just doesn’t seem to work… that one just never seems to be the same on that you marry. At least not for these girls. I guess I’m through with romanticising away thinking we’d be the ones to break the odds, and all that bullshit. I guess now I just realize I have to figure out how to get over you. How to resolve myself to the guilt of one day “loving” someone else… being with someone else… and still loving you. That is so very wrong. It is so wrong to the person I’ll be with… It is wrong. [Insert song: If you can’t be with the one you love, love the one you’re with]

So back to what I think. I think I’m gonna learn really quickly that’s it’s over. We’ll fight we’ll make up and we’ll finally come to the real realization. And it’s not because it isn’t love, it’s not because we shouldn’t be… it’s because, well? I don’t know… because it’s to hard. Because we don’t share the one thing that means so much, and it’ll just never be that way. I can’t help but insert here how isolated, alienated, I feel that I can’t share my joy with you after the meetings, that you weren’t sitting next to me on Saturday at the Special Assembly Day, and that you’ll never be the one next to me at the meetings or a Quick Build. I wanted it so much, but I think that the truth of the matter is staying together is blatantly a lie. The truth is we both want the other to change, and it isn’t gonna happen.

I met a great guy this weekend. Yeah, you’re right, I think he’s a great guy because he’s alot like you. At the airport he just happened to move a little so that he looked like how you danced at Bar that night with Luis and Laura. Wish I remembered the song so I could maybe jog your memory, and so I could note it here too (if I heard it I could tell you)… And it killed me. It was just the final stab in the back, the heart, whatever. It was “the icing on the cake”. I stopped, and couldn’t move. I thought what kind of game is this? Or is it just the one answered prayer (when all the ones about us were ignored).

What’s so hard too? That when I go to give it a chance (because let’s face it… our conversation just so clearly made that clear that its the way it’d be) that I think that’s the end of our chance. I believe that I could be with him, and have a great time with him, and one day make it to him asking me to marry him. I believe that when we got married that making love would so very loving, and he would always continue to be a loving and attentive husband. What’s sad? That knowing all that doesn’t make me love him. It makes me realize that love isn’t attached to things, to qualities… to tangible items you can list, to pebbles on a scale… it’s attached to something you and I will never be able to understand, but just know.

reach out please,

touch my outstretched fingertips

oh, but for that tiny touch

that connection

the two of us

reach out please,

and hold my heart

it trembles and quivers

always desperate to know

that it is claimed by you

reach out please,

taste my kiss

know my lips long

to dance with yours

to a melody from our souls

reach out





my love is for you

slight solace i find

some small piece of mind

leaving myself in verses

to tumble across your mind

your heart

in hopes that they might find

that i might find

their home

my home


until once again

i am in your arms again

i love you Curtis.

Jan 16, 2002 - Nibbles    No Comments

Life is hard. Love is harder. Living is the hardest.

[Josh started warrior on EQ, not honest with Curt, fight, heart empty, hopeful]

Jan 7, 2002 - Nibbles    No Comments

Guilt sets in. I wonder if it has for him too, now that I know he feels it too. I don’t know what to do. Time together is so perfect. So peaceful, calm, content. So what I want to enjoy for the rest of my life. But then we land here. The aftermath. The guilt.

It takes away the light heartedness from the day. It takes away my ability to dance along, to smile without restraint, to be happy. I try to override the thoughts and the feeling with filler. Thinking about getting a job, plans for doing that, what I’m going to wear. What I need to do… But it doesn’t mask it. My heart sits as lead in my chest as a reminder.

What do we do? When I think about it, how perfect it all was – I think that we should just be together then, do the one thing that makes it all better – And how is it I always briefly forget that that’s not an answer? That for him it’s not even an option. Then someone who’s a dreamer would just say – then stop. But we know that’s not going to happen.

It makes me want to run. I want to run from the guilt. I want to run from the confusion, complication and remorse. I want to run so that I can be happy again. Unencumbered. Released, and free.

To repair my heart, to be able to love without guilt.

But when I run, I have to leave the very love that makes life worth living behind.

Tell me, what do we do?