Jan 7, 2002 - Nibbles    No Comments

Guilt sets in. I wonder if it has for him too, now that I know he feels it too. I don’t know what to do. Time together is so perfect. So peaceful, calm, content. So what I want to enjoy for the rest of my life. But then we land here. The aftermath. The guilt.

It takes away the light heartedness from the day. It takes away my ability to dance along, to smile without restraint, to be happy. I try to override the thoughts and the feeling with filler. Thinking about getting a job, plans for doing that, what I’m going to wear. What I need to do… But it doesn’t mask it. My heart sits as lead in my chest as a reminder.

What do we do? When I think about it, how perfect it all was – I think that we should just be together then, do the one thing that makes it all better – And how is it I always briefly forget that that’s not an answer? That for him it’s not even an option. Then someone who’s a dreamer would just say – then stop. But we know that’s not going to happen.

It makes me want to run. I want to run from the guilt. I want to run from the confusion, complication and remorse. I want to run so that I can be happy again. Unencumbered. Released, and free.

To repair my heart, to be able to love without guilt.

But when I run, I have to leave the very love that makes life worth living behind.

Tell me, what do we do?

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