Archive from April, 2007
Apr 13, 2007 - Nibbles    No Comments

fickle fuddled words confuse me

in your mind there are so many reason we’re not compatible. you live in a world of dichotomies.

[Dichotomies are common in Western thought. C.P. Snow believes that Western
society has become an argument culture. In The Argument Culture (1998), Deborah
Tannen suggests that the dialogue of Western culture is characterized by a
warlike atmosphere in which the winning side has truth (like a trophy). In such
a dialogue, the middle alternatives are virtually ignored.]

because i like the beach and you do not you falsely create logic that we’re not compatible. you presume that an Italian vacation involves a large portion of sitting on a beach. In my
mind, it is quite the oppoite. but why bother trying to convince you otherwise? your reality is what you make it. you live in your own reality. the rest of us are merely reflections of people who are players in the makeup of the reality you devise. so because it is my job
to create the fallacy’s you create (especially since you have rejected me based on these fallacies) i will correct you yet again. in my mind several days (an undetermined number, flexible based on our preferences at the time) in Cinque Terre. First day would start with the ‘beach’ day in Monterosso. Just a day to be close to each other, to plan our journey to reconnect, to relax. The days to follow would be hiking the Italian Riveria. Nude beaches inbetween to provide respite from the heat you fear. I thought of taking a cooking course, since I thought you’d love that. This is where I come to the point where I realize that you never considered this vacation as something that we’d plan. That you could have what you wanted, if only you could tell me what that was. You just assumed the worst, whatever for you that would be. So we are not compatible for silly reasons such as I love movies and you don’t. That I love sunshine and warm shoulders, and you don’t. You probably haven’t realized it yet, but you could tell me that you could never marry me because I dream of a beautiful house with cherry apple blossom trees in the yard… you’d consider that a deal breaker because of your allergies, but you’d not consider that it was negotiable. that’s just the way you are. you speak in absolutes and you translate the gradients of lifes meaning into black and white.

Apr 13, 2007 - Nibbles    No Comments

freaky friday

the clock entoned the hour, twelve strike echoing through the dank air. death waits for no one, and apparently love either. it was midnight, freaky friday. the day it was declared over.

i’m pathetic. i don’t know how to let go. i sit in my office when i really should go home. most everyone else has. but i want to be available. i want contact. i want to be asked to do something, even if i should say no. so i play a stupid game. i commit myself to a task that means i’m tied here for several more minutes. within the range of you leaving. i don’t know why. the answer is no. i don’t want to talk anymore. what i want i can’t have. you don’t have it for me anymore. i wanted to send you my songs for you. but i didn’t want to reach out. you don’t deserve to know my hopes my fears, my sadness.

— Goodbye my Lover —

Did I disappoint you or let you down?
Should I be feeling guilty or let the judges frown?

‘Cause I saw the end before we’d begun,
Yes I saw you were blinded and I knew I had won.
So I took what’s mine by eternal right.
Took your soul out into the night.

It may be over but it won’t stop there,
I am here for you if you’d only care.

You touched my heart you touched my soul.
You changed my life and all my goals.
And love is blind and that I knew when,
My heart was blinded by you.

I’ve kissed your lips and held your hand.
Shared your dreams and shared your bed.
I know you well, I know your smell.
I’ve been addicted to you.

Goodbye my lover. Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one. You have been the one for me.

I am a dreamer and when i wake,
You can’t break my spirit – it’s my dreams you take.

And as you move on, remember me,
Remember us and all we used to be
I’ve seen you cry, I’ve seen you smile.
I’ve watched you sleeping for a while.

I’d be the mother of your child.
I’d spend a lifetime with you.

I know your fears and you know mine.
We’ve had our doubts but now we’re fine,
And I love you, I swear that’s true.
I cannot live without you.

And I still hold your hand in mine.
In mine when I’m asleep.
And I will bare my soul in time,
When I’m kneeling at your feet.

Goodbye my lover. Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one. You have been the one for me.

I’m so hollow, baby, I’m so hollow. I’m so, I’m so, I’m so hollow.
I’m so hollow, baby, I’m so hollow. I’m so, I’m so, I’m so hollow.

— The Space Between —

You cannot quit me so quickly
Is no hope in you for me
No corner you could squeeze me
But I’ve got all the time for you love

The space between
The tears we cry is the laughter that keeps us coming back for more

The space between
The wicked lies we tell to keep us safe from the pain

Will I hold you again

These fickle fuddled words confuse me
Like will it rain today
We waste the hours with talking talking
These twisted games we’re playing

We’re strange allies
With warring hearts
What a wild eyed beast you be

The space between
The wicked lies we tell that hope to keep us safe from the pain

Look at us spinning out in the madness of a rollercoaster
You know you went off like the devil in the church In the middle of a crowded room
All we can do my love Is hope we don’t take this ship down

The space between
Where you smile and hide
That’s where you’ll find me if I get to go

The space between
The bullets in our fire fight
Is where I’ll be hiding waiting for you

The rain that falls
Splashed in your heart
Ran like sadness down the window into your room

The space between
Our wicked lies is
The hope to keep safe from pain

Take my hand
Cause we’re walking out of here
Right out of here
Is all we need dear

The space between
What’s wrong and right
Is where you’ll find me hiding Waiting for you

The space between
Your heart and mind
Is the space we’ll fill with time

The space between
The tears we cry is the laughter keeps us coming back for more
The space between
Our wicked lies where we hope to keep safe from pain

The space between
The space between

Apr 13, 2007 - Nibbles    No Comments

the backstory

i walked to my car, miserable.

as i pulled off campus i was in a trance.

as i drove across the bridge i was staring blankly into the rear of the car ahead of me.

as i sat outside the therapist’s office parked along the street i felt pieces of me fall away.

i considered shoving it aside, of fraudulantly raising my spirits.

i was reluctant to let go of having been happy so briefly, to admit defeat.

i felt misery and sadness wash over me in waves after wave. defeated. undone.

on the brink of breakdown, just as weeks before.

lost, alone, unwanted and unapproved of.

i can’t wait to get home and take a pill.

Apr 13, 2007 - Nibbles    No Comments

the other day

I had this fanciful thought that I could hide my misery, thereby giving you time to ‘figure it out’. I would pour my misery through ink on paper. I would never show you this just as there are others that i haven’t shown. i wrote the email that took this ship down instead.