Aug 21, 2007 - Nibbles    No Comments

can’t… stop… blogging…

“ok fyi it might not be charlie, I’m not sure who gets the ticket… “

in being honest with myself i have to admit that i believe this means that he’s “prepping” me for one day finding out that a cute chick who was previously identified “got” the ticket.

i don’t believe him when he says that when he said “if i’d have known [that we weren’t dating] then i would have done things differently” means that he wouldn’t have made different choices when presented with options i’ll never be aware of.

i wonder if he knows/remembers that HE was the one with the control. that he was the one who broke up with me. that he never claimed me again. that he never bothered to mention that i was his girlfriend again. it didn’t stop me from acting in accord with that [insert proper girlfriend reaction and behavior with Marano here]… but it still hurt like hell.

ok. so in the interest that i can drop this, because it’s a current hurt and not one that i can just bury but instead need to vent on, i’ll vent here and hope that i never bring it up again.

july 5th-7th, “our guest jana”. it was a great way to end a holiday away, missing my boyfriend. i couldn’t understand why he hadn’t called. i was trying to be cool about it. he was flying home (took more than a day of flying) and then he was surely exhausted, and then it was july 4th. but i became a mad woman, missing him, and wondering why he didn’t miss me too?

then i go to show rachel his photos. the internet connection had died in sorrento… it’s funny, i wouldn’t have seen anything there… but days later it’s staring me in the face.

no wonder he didn’t have time to call.

my trip was boring compared to his weekend.

the worst are the few photos of just her at the barbeque. not group shots… photos of everyone. no, just a couple of just her. her looking at him.

brian mentioned last night how people are sweeter to you when they feel guilty.

i wonder when he bought the locket.

P.S. I wish I knew what he was thinking when he posted these pictures… did he mean to hurt me? Did he think that I wouldn’t care (how could he ever imagine that I could be secure enough to deal with them)? The only reason I try hard to believe she means nothing is because I can’t really believe that he was so mean. He couldn’t possibly have thought at all about how it would feel to see these photos. Therefore, he really couldn’t have meant anything by it… but that’s why his comment about having done different things if he’d known haunts me. that’s why she haunts me. they just look like they’re having so damn much fun. they look good together. and to think i was missing him. it makes me so very sad. he didn’t call until the weekend.

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