i just got back from eilon’s place and i’m so elated. it looks so fantastic, he has a real home. it’s cozy and wonderful and amazing. you will be or would be so proud. i was beaming with pride and it was so very hard not to call you and tell you about it. when i experience joy and happiness, i want to share it with you.
i’ve decided that i’d rather feel happy than sad. that i’d rather not sit here and ‘wait’ miserably. that may be harder than i imagine at this point, but i’m going to try.
if i can be happy without you, then surely i could be happy with you if we are together again. and if we aren’t then it only helps that i’ve moved on and found my own happiness.
i just have to swallow the lump in my throat when i realize all the things that i want to share with you, and that i can’t… i must move on. i think that’s what you want me to do. this isn’t our summer. you warned me in the spring, and i’ve been in denial ever since. besides, you don’t even appreciate summer or even Dave like i do. so it’s okay, you wouldn’t get it anyway.
today it’s been rolling around in mind what you said last night (was that only last night, it seems like so much has moved inside me). you said that you used to find me irresistable. you couldn’t resist me.
i know i can be that again.