they say first you get mad, then you get even.
i get mad, frustrated and hurt all in one devastating ball that usually comes with a runny nose that needs blowing.
and it’s usually, or at least lately, because i’m feeling pretty stupid about something.
the backstory on last night…
on sunday night i was shopping online for folding lawn chairs so i could pick up two for the show, to surprise brian.
the day before that i cleaned my house and organized things and made it pretty and neat… just in case brian was going to spend the night after the show. (it needed it anyway, but it was specifically to please him)
and you want to know the sad thing? i would give anything to have him show up to sleep in my bed tonight.
[reflection: one night two weeks ago he showed up after a dinner and said that he wasn’t planning on spending the night. i smirked to cover the pain that he’d lie, that he couldn’t tell the truth. the truth is he packed a bag before he left his house… unless he planned on staying at someone else’s house?!]
another side note: jana spoke of him coming to north carolina, i thought that was this week… if so, i take a little bit of comfort in the fact that she didn’t know that he’d changed his mind. course if he did go, i don’t think i could handle it. what does your heart do when its already broken…? just break into smaller pieces until its dust? i guess that’s true. i guess that’s how you stopping love someone else.
i worry that when/if we get back together again that he won’t be able to love me in a way so as to convince me that he really is there and invested. that he really wants to be with me. that he chooses me. that he is committed to me, to us.
after all that we’ve gone through and will have been through, what can you do to start fresh? how do you symbolize a new beginning?
does he know that he’s going to have to come to me? does he know that he has all the power? does he know he holds my heart in his hand as it bleeds to death?
i thought he knew that i was waiting for him to claim me as his girl again before i left for italy. i think that was even in writing somewhere.
maybe he really didn’t want to… maybe he thought about it and didn’t realize he wanted me until after i was gone.
why would you be so careless about such a special thing?
all our relationship has been built upon how very god damn technical he is about everything. remember the arguments over whether we were dating or seeing each other? when did he first call me his girlfriend?
technically we’ve been broken up since april, friday the thirteenth.