you are my best friend, and you always want to be my best friend
as my best friend you love me and want the best for me, for me to be healthy and safe
your finest moments in loving me are in my worst moments of living where you demonstrate just that. you put yourself and your heart and your feelings aside to care for me, to take care of me, to help me heal, so that i may one day become a secure and confident woman as i remember being as a little girl.
this all feels fantastic. this feels like what love should be. i don’t know what love is, but if it isn’t that, what else is there?
then i am sad.
this is my messed up logic.
what point is there in becoming that amazing me that you and and i believe in, if it isn’t for you? why would you invest so much in me and treasure the outcome? why would you love me so much and not love me?
there are many things i don’t understand. this is the one that overshadows me every day, and has since the spring.
all my logic can do is to say that you don’t love me in that way. but i don’t know what it is that would be missing so that could possibly be true. we connect by just looking into each others eyes when we lay our heads down beside each other. we connect in the most intimate of movements and motion.
so when i lose my sense of self and i say over and over “i don’t understand”, maybe you can at least understand what i mean.
i’m just emailing. i don’t want responses. i just want to share. i want to send the thoughts from the deepest depths of exploring my heart and soul out there into the world to the only one i put faith in.
if we aren’t lovers at least being friends can really mean something.
if i can’t be loved, i just want to be understood.
i was content today when you guys came to see eilon’s house. you seemed happy and i was happy. at little sad, but happy. that made me happy. to see you at ease, relaxed.