Archive from August, 2007
Aug 19, 2007 - Nibbles    No Comments

painting gives you plenty of time to think…

and i was just thinking…

i wonder when you might ever call me just to say “good night” again

or when you might say “i love you” when we hang up the phone

i wonder if we’ll ever dance in the living room again

and maybe the fumes are getting to me, but now i wonder if ever i might get a chance to make a good memory against that concrete pillar

i wonder if i’ll ever get to see us together as i see us in my heart

Aug 19, 2007 - Nibbles    No Comments

logic

you are my best friend, and you always want to be my best friend

as my best friend you love me and want the best for me, for me to be healthy and safe

your finest moments in loving me are in my worst moments of living where you demonstrate just that. you put yourself and your heart and your feelings aside to care for me, to take care of me, to help me heal, so that i may one day become a secure and confident woman as i remember being as a little girl.

this all feels fantastic. this feels like what love should be. i don’t know what love is, but if it isn’t that, what else is there?

then i am sad.

this is my messed up logic.

what point is there in becoming that amazing me that you and and i believe in, if it isn’t for you? why would you invest so much in me and treasure the outcome? why would you love me so much and not love me?

there are many things i don’t understand. this is the one that overshadows me every day, and has since the spring.

all my logic can do is to say that you don’t love me in that way. but i don’t know what it is that would be missing so that could possibly be true. we connect by just looking into each others eyes when we lay our heads down beside each other. we connect in the most intimate of movements and motion.

so when i lose my sense of self and i say over and over “i don’t understand”, maybe you can at least understand what i mean.

i’m just emailing. i don’t want responses. i just want to share. i want to send the thoughts from the deepest depths of exploring my heart and soul out there into the world to the only one i put faith in.

if we aren’t lovers at least being friends can really mean something.

if i can’t be loved, i just want to be understood.

i was content today when you guys came to see eilon’s house. you seemed happy and i was happy. at little sad, but happy. that made me happy. to see you at ease, relaxed.

Aug 14, 2007 - Nibbles    No Comments

janice

i guess everyone thinks we’re not committed to each other. janice went behind her desk and brought out a framed print to show me. i held it in my hands and realized she’s right.

Aug 9, 2007 - Nibbles    No Comments

jana

i’m sitting here my heart being crushed under the weight of jealous. one twitter at a time.

it’s 100+ in N. Carolina.

No worries, he has a couch, wink wink.

we’re going to g. love tonight. i thought this song is so appropriate. i’m trying to make sure i never look back and wonder, never wonder if i could have done something more, wonder what would have been if.

this is brian’s song. he won’t know he’s singing until it’s too late.

your words don’t come easily no more
i wonder what your doing every second that i’m not with you

and now i see what i put you through
i should be gone
something keeps me hanging on
it’s instinct

but all this pain i feel doesn’t phase you
it’s funny what the drugs will do
and now i’m crying

now how could someone spend so much time so close
and almost so far away
how could two people stay together so long
just because they’re afraid to walk away

i swear to god we’re breaking up this time

the time is so wrong but the feelings so right
won’t you let me kick it just one more time
won’t you let me love you and hug you and squeeze you tight
won’t you be my darlin tonight
kiss me one more time before you turn your back forever
now you’re walking away

look me in the eye and smile like you did the very first time i called your name
tell me everything’s gonna be alright
even though i can’t hold back these tears
for five long years i was afraid to give it up
now you’re gonna leave me and my best friend is gone
i swear to god we’re breaking up this time

why won’t you let me love you baby
startin from scratch

why won’t you let me love you baby
startin from scratch

you’re my friend, and my sister, my lover
i don’t wanna find another to replace you
start all over again, start all over again

i swear to god we’re breaking up this time

Aug 8, 2007 - Nibbles    No Comments

unreal

i came here because i don’t know where else to go. some place that i can pour out my heart and be true. i feel bad because brian is hurting, but its so hard to comfort him. he told me that i’m selfish, and he’s right. i am broken, and the more that night is dragged out over and over again in my head the more i fall apart into tiny fractions of frisures of shards of soul. as i see myself from brian’s eyes i must wonder do i even have a soul? seeing the images in my head i hate myself for being so broken. for sitting there and taking it. for being fearful. he pulled my hair and yanked my head back. any cry trying to escape was trapped in my throat as it closed from the angle. i thought of veronica in that moment, and i felt sorry for her. other than that i remember legs. what a strange and literally disembodied memory. i don’t know why, but i distinctly remember three times. i guess i could be wrong, i guess it could be that it was one instance, and just three moments of clarity, but i really don’t think so. i wonder how it is that i could have lain there, freezing, in a bed soaked nearly edge-to-edge in urine.

yeah, so it’s all a little unreal to me. i can’t quite grasp everything. i can’t piece it together to understand how it is that i ended up here. it seems so long ago that i was happy, that life was good, we were solid and stable and meant-to-be. then the next day it was over. but i don’t have to recount that, the heartbreak is written out in my previous entries.

i just keep going over it again and again. i feel so stupid. i had been so happy. happy relatively speaking. i was so happy because brian had to have sent him to check on me, to ask me out. i was happy to be going out. i was happy because it meant brian was thinking of me. i texted him as i was driving there “where is my lemon drop martini”. i don’t remember if there was one waiting on me or not, but that’s what i drank. i don’t know how many, i don’t remember what else. i remember him protecting me from the other guys when they started pushing too much. or at least that’s how it seemed to me. i thought i was safe. i thought it was a good night. i think i beat him in pool. i remember that it was a good night. i remember being hopeful about us. i wasn’t boring, and he’d tell you that we had fun. there was hope. it seems to me that i was looking forward to going home. to climb into my bed. i announced i was leaving and headed out the door. he followed, and then his friend. they said i shouldn’t drive home. i resisted, i wanted to be home. as i told reed tonight, i had a secret dream that maybe you’d show up, or be waiting on me. but i relented. i knew you’d be happier that i didn’t drive.

i just thinking of how i thought i was safe. i asked for pajamas. i crawled into bed. i couldn’t tell you whether or not he was there. whether or not he was asleep. i felt safe. i was safe. and then there was the nightmare. i cried. in the morning i woke alone. i dressed. i went home.

i showered and i cried. i picked up the pieces, and i carried on. what choice do i have than to be okay?

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