tomorrow i meet with the convened committee to determine whether or not i am fit to enter the congregation again. my third time. first baptized, second reinstated, now a third. i said that i would never return if ever i would be cast out again, and its interesting because now i know that my commitment is so very different from the way i viewed it before. it’s not about being in or out, but rather the ultimate answer to life the universe and everything. no, not 42, unless you jest and yes, i think that’s okay as long as we’re talking the same language. meanwhile i see that the world is just one big universe of those who mostly have no clue, and a few people who are in the know. i finished battlestar galatica and wonder how different my life would have been to have watched it so many years ago with my friends. at the very same time i was losing myself to apathy. i am kara thrace. the stories i could tell could fill another series. alas, i’m happy to live for tonight and move into tomorrow and see what shall be. for none of these worldly, fleshly things matter. i’m a girl who isn’t scared to die, and hopes to do so for the honor of her god. let your kingdom come…
11/28/08 i was in love just a few hours ago. and keeping a secret. i’ve never really had a pregnancy scare before. now i’m late. going on three days. a website lets you track your period, and therefore i know that i am VERY consistent.
stickel just left. i am a wreck. i think the clonazepam is taking affect. i feel calmer. i am trying hard not to reach out. to dan. to her. to her sister. i’m trying hard, but i feel so out of control. i went to take a pregnancy test, one that i had from when Nikki was pregnant, but it wasn’t there. instead there was a plan b box in the container. it totally struck me. too far past to be able to do anything about it (and where did the plan b come from?!).
i was a coward. i didn’t tell him straigh
11/8/09 i wonder if i ever knew you.
i feel such the fool.
i loved you and believed you were the one. my only one. i never believed
i just spent hours on the phone with micheal. i am grateful for him making me feel again. i thanked him.