She dreams of Tiffany’s.
Life is hard. Love is harder. Living is the hardest.
[Josh started warrior on EQ, not honest with Curt, fight, heart empty, hopeful]
Guilt sets in. I wonder if it has for him too, now that I know he feels it too. I don’t know what to do. Time together is so perfect. So peaceful, calm, content. So what I want to enjoy for the rest of my life. But then we land here. The aftermath. The guilt.
It takes away the light heartedness from the day. It takes away my ability to dance along, to smile without restraint, to be happy. I try to override the thoughts and the feeling with filler. Thinking about getting a job, plans for doing that, what I’m going to wear. What I need to do… But it doesn’t mask it. My heart sits as lead in my chest as a reminder.
What do we do? When I think about it, how perfect it all was – I think that we should just be together then, do the one thing that makes it all better – And how is it I always briefly forget that that’s not an answer? That for him it’s not even an option. Then someone who’s a dreamer would just say – then stop. But we know that’s not going to happen.
It makes me want to run. I want to run from the guilt. I want to run from the confusion, complication and remorse. I want to run so that I can be happy again. Unencumbered. Released, and free.
To repair my heart, to be able to love without guilt.
But when I run, I have to leave the very love that makes life worth living behind.
Tell me, what do we do?
just in case one day i try to look back and gloss over this, this is a reminder of how very pathetic — lonely, depressed — I am. I am so bad I subject him to my phone calls of tears and lamentions. I cry and cry over myself. i think of how i’d rather be dead. how tired i am of all of this.
i hope against hope that somehow everything is soon to be over. that some kind of “magical” force will come and sweep everything all away, and i will begin a new life. wonderful, loved, confident and fresh. a bright future ahead.
but when i think of reality i realize just how very screwed up i am. how very far that is from the truth of possibility. and how very long before any future ahead of me will look bright… if times passing will even allow for it.
She lay next to him quietly, and snuggled up a little closer as she woke. His heavy breathing relayed that he was still sleeping, and she didn’t want to stir him. She lay thinking about her favorite homey restaurant just down the street… she dreamed of breakfast. She couldn’t wait until a little later when she’d be sitting over her plate of blueberry pancakes, and eggs, and sweet tea. She laughed at herself for laying there thinking about breakfast. Oh, but who cares, she thought, its our day off, I can be as silly as I want.
He rustled next to her, waking. She wondered idly if her stomach had betrayed her thoughts. She leaned over him, blowing lightly on his nose. She couldn’t help but giggle when he twitched and reached across to rub away the disturbance. She leaned a little closer to send a trail of wind across his eye brows. His arms encircled her, as he opened his eyes and laughed. She had been caught. She squealed with delight as he tossed her over, and nuzzled her neck.
How nice it is to have the day off, she thought to herself, as they wrestled.
She lay sleeping peacefully. Warm, secure, even a smile on her lips.
The door opened, he was home.
He crept quietly into the room, trying not to wake her. Lovingly he gazed at his princess as he slipped off his shoes.
His socked feet didn’t make a sound on the carpet below him, but yet she knew he was there. Still she held her eyes closed…
He leaned over her, tucking the covers around her. He bent to kiss the bare shoulder that peaked out.
As he turns to finish getting ready for bed, she smiles to herself contentedly, and sighs quietly in the dark.
I still leave the top lock unlocked.
I’m still hopeful on Thursday nights. Your night to stay up late. And sometimes show up here.
Hey, I’m just hear wishing I could be with you. I just wish things could be perfect for us. That everything would be able to just work out. I know I’ve wished these things before, and that I probably just sound silly.
I asked you on the phone, can’t I just hide under your bed? I’ll be quiet.
I miss you.
And I love you.
Don’t ever let me go.
when will i stop being silly. thinking you’ll come to tell me that everything will be ok. hearing a car, and thinking its you. leaving the top lock unlocked.
when will i learn to stop loving you?
Well tonight makes a year. I just happened across a calendar, and realized it. Of course having it marked on the calendar helped. Tears are rolling down my face and I’m having a moment of sadness or loss in the middle of a rather bland and discontented night. Earlier I was listening to music and “Sway” came on. Made me think of how he danced with her before he left. Made me wish that I could have ever seen that version of him. Someone who poured his heart out, who slowed danced spontaneously. But I never did get to see that version of him. Its hard not to tell myself that its because he never loved me like he loved her.
Oh Curtis, you’ll never know how much I wish everything could be perfect for us. Tonight my heart aches incrediably, and at least now I know why. Tonight I wish I could be with you. All memories and future aside. Just you and me. And love.
Where do I go from here?
Here’s to love.
Don’t stray, don’t ever go away
I should be much too smart for this
You know it gets the better of me
Sometimes, when you and I collide
I fall into an ocean of you, pull me out in time
Don’t let me drown, let me down
I say it’s all because of you
And here I go, losing my control
I’m practising your name so I can say it to your face
It doesn’t seem right, to look you in the eye
Let all the things you mean to me
Come tumbling out my mouth
Indeed it’s time to tell you why
I say it’s infintely true
Say you’ll stay, don’t come and go
Like you do
Sway my way, yeah I need to know
All about you
And there’s no cure, and no way to be sure
Why everything’s turned inside out
Instilling so much doubt
It makes me so tired – I feel so uninspired
My head is battling with my heart
My logic has been torn apart
And now it all turns sour
Come sweeten every afternoon