Just so I remember one day how pathetic I am, I am at work right now (night of Seven Mary Three, fight with Curtis – he ended up showing up, he knew where to find me)
I can’t believe it. I can’t believe how much of an asshole Curt just showed himself to be. I’m sitting in his apartment after one of the worst days I’ve ever had a work. He just left me here. Do I know where he is? No. When he’ll be back? No. Did he even bother to ask if I wanted to go where ever he went, before going? No. He must have asked Chris again, because he’s not here.
Sometimes I wonder what I do that makes people like this. Oh, Curt’s a nice guy and all. I’d never describe him as selfish. But, uh, what about me? As soon as I said I didn’t want to do whatever it was he wanted to, he marked me off his plans. Last night he was pissed when I couldn’t come running and kiss his feet and go to dinner with him. The night before I conceeded, making sure that he agreed to drive to me (I was already having dinner)… I stayed up late and played trivia with him, when I would have rather been sleeping.
At breakfast yesterday he ripped into me, and how I always have to be going, always have to be doing something. Funny. Who’s out doing who knows what, while I’m wishing we could have spent the night content on the couch?
I called Jon Austin, a bad move I know, but hey, I’m not going to be the pathetic one sitting here waiting until he comes back to “rescue” me. Kind of like a parent’s punishment…”OK, Ang, if you’ve learned how to be a proper young lady, and play nicely with what I want to do, then you can join us again.” I’m sorry. I don’t play that game.
Frankly, one thing that really pisses me off is this whole “trading up” thing. I’ve never once had the audacity to say I would want someone bigger or better. Yet, I’ve heard about all the traits he’d like to have in his perfect girl. And yet, I’m being reamed because someone is physically attractive. I guess he can dish it out, but not take it. Funny thing is I think he’s so much better than anyone else I know, in any category, but he’d never believe me, even though I’ve tried to tell him a thousand times.
So what will I do? Suck it up, grin, go have a couple of drinks with Jon, and see what happens when I get back. I’m tired of living my life being considerate to someone who isn’t much considerate to me.
Since I’m ranting, I might as well continue with the thought that just came to mind. All the time I’m “visiting” him in his cube, waiting on him to finish what ever holy work needs finished before we can go. But god forbid I work until I’m ready, and he ever have to wait on me.
What ever happened to that nice guy I met? To the guy who supposedly could be so sweet, if ever I figured out how to deserve it (which obviously I haven’t). Does he really think I’m going to swoon when he tells me all the about the amazingly sweet things he’s done for all these other girls.
spunkygidget: i’m going run downstairs real quick and pick up a yogurt. brb
canadianogre: a little, I try and rub off on him but he still keeps wanting more and more stuff… he wants a new stereo, sunroof and lights on his truck, just bought and an mp3 player
spunkygidget: yeah i know. he could have so much money saved – instead he is constantly telling me how he doesn’t have any money. the stereo he looked at yesterday was $400 + how ever much all the speakers would cost. It wouldn’t matter though if it made him happy – BUT it doesn’t.
spunkygidget: What makes you happy?
canadianogre: laughing at curt buying stuff
spunkygidget: I’m serious! Are you happy? Or just quietly not?
canadianogre: I think for the most part I’m content, i have serious moments but I try and avoid them
spunkygidget: What makes you content then?
canadianogre: well, I try to keep thinking of life as something not to be taken too seriously, especially when it comes to myself, I am not always successful in doing that but when I am I am content
spunkygidget: Curt says I’m not a good listener and that I have it all figured out… that makes me want to shut up and stop asking questions of people, even though I’m interested – do you think I’m that way? (Constructive critisim)
canadianogre: hmmm, tough to say, listening is a lot tougher then speaking, one little trick that I do is that if I am already thinking of my next point while that person is talking then I know I am not listening, using that trick you may be able to judge for yourself
canadianogre: I feel like a cheesy canadian yoda now
spunkygidget: Well, in some ways I think Curtis just makes me feel like I’m too silly – like I’d like to ask you about what you believe about this world, and where it’s going to end up – (curt had mentioned something about it) but then it’s as if he thinks I think I already know all the answers and that you wouldn’t even want to talk to me anyways.
canadianogre: those questions are not silly, it just brings up religion which is an issue that apparently should be avoided, I think asking questions is a great way to learn about a person, just timing of questions like that is tough
spunkygidget: I guess I just really hate how much of an issue hes made religion. I feel like so much is closed off now because of him making it seem like religion is such an issue to me. I’m interested in what people believe, how they feel and what they want. I feel like I don’t have the opportunitity to ask though – because there is such a stigma attached to me… I don’t know if it was his mom, or family or something – but it’s as if he really believes i’m out to “convert” everyone.
canadianogre: Yes, i think the 2 of you both seem a little focused on it because it is an issue between you, I like to tease you about converting, and lets be honest, his attending bible study was an attmempt to get him to be converted
spunkygidget: No – That makes me mad. Curtis talks about us wanting to be such very close friends forever. When I first met him I made it clear that that’s only been possible for people who really understand me. Thats where that came from. I did want him to go with me, and share it with me – but that’s not about changing people – thats about sharing.
canadianogre: well, let me take that back, u too being together long term would mean him converting (i think) and your religion plays much more of a role in your life then it does it most peoples lives (not saying that is good or bad)
spunkygidget: I guess I would say that us being together long term, would be easiest if he was a JW because it does play such a large part in my life. It’s not impossible otherwise, and there are people I know who have done it. He promised me (on his own, not my asking) that he was going to study – so that he could know more about me, and so taht when I wanted to talk about htings- then he would know what I was talking about. I’m upset because of all the promises hes made, and not kept.
spunkygidget: He promised me a promise ring, he promised me time together (but we broke up instead) amoung other things – This one I’d like him to keep – because this one can help us to stay close as friends, and give me the chance to have a friend to talk about those kinds of things with- instead of all the ppl who really are closed minded.
canadianogre: I’m sorry, I do not want to make you angry, I understand sharing things that are important to you, but if that thing turns out not to be important or even go against his beliefs then that would have be something that can truely be shared
spunkygidget: Thing is he’ll tell me that it doesn’t. But he’ll tell you or Robert another thing. That makes me mad. I don’t understand why people are so worried about him. I hate hearing that I’m part of a cult – or that we don’t use the whole bible. Incorrect statements. (PS I’m not mad) I wish that people could have just left him to do what he wanted – but now he’s so twisted around in everyones worries. His family asking him when he’s ogin gto start pushing books -and his mother about raising grandkids – That’s not the way it’s supposed to be. It was simple. It was something that we were going to share – and it was seomething that didn’t anything or anyone.
canadianogre: I really hate typing, it leaves to much left out of the conversation. I think talking about them is a great thing, and I actually enjoy it at times, and hopefully you too will be able to discuss religion openly with each and have that as something to share
spunkygidget: But—will people always look at me and think I’m trying to convert him, and then always try to “prevent” that from happening? If so I just feel like I should go away, because the friendship could never get to level I’m looking for in my best friend, and we’ll always be in conflict because ppl will keep it that way.
canadianogre: well, I do not think I would blame outside people, Curtis is too independent to change his beliefs based on others opinions, it just happens that your 2 beliefs are different is some ways, just like mine and curtis’s are different, i do not believe in God, or much of anything (sad i know) but it is the way I am, I accept his belief, just like I accept yours, but it does not stop us from talking about it to each other
canadianogre: lunch time
spunkygidget: Are you mad at me?
canadianogre: no, not at all, I actully have liked to talking about this, that is why i hate typing, the emotion is lost and only inferred
spunkygidget: But he really does let what people say get to him. He’s turned from looking at my religion as good (although not his) and is now acting like I’m a freak. I hear him say the things that Robert says… I’m sorry – go to lunch hungry boy. I hope that you’ll continue talkign with me – you’re very insiteful.
spunkygidget: But do you honestly think we’ll ever get to sit and talk without Curt? I remember only once – In the car in NE.
canadianogre: ummm, not sure on that, I would feel awkward because of the past you and curtis have… we will always have yahoo at least
canadianogre: ok, must eat
You know what’s crazy? I got what I wanted. I don’t have to let go just yet – But I don’t know if I can even hold him anymore. Can it even be the same?
I am so very a mess. In just one day my world came crashing down at my feet. It makes it even harder watching him handle just oh so well. I know that in so many ways he’s right – Without some kind of compromise we won’t be able to be married and happy. But I wasn’t ready for it to be over. I wasn’t ready to face the music. Why can’t we just be in love until we love no more? Why do you have to be “smart” and end it early. Or why do we have to face the facts? Love is so rare, and I just watched it slip through my hands.
What’s worse? I feel like I’ll never be able to trust anyone. That’s one thing. So many promises, I’ve belived in. But who’s ever kept a promise to me?
And what hope do I have to find fantastic version number two of Curtis? The one who is a witness so I won’t make him unhappy?
My heart isn’t ready to love again, but I need love so desprately.
What life do I have here? If I had one then I could focus on it. But I don’t. My “friends” at the hall have their own little world and I’m not a part of it. Other people that I might be able to be busy with – Like Michelle or the Raliegh Boys – are too far away. I could consume myself with reaching spiritual goals – like studying all my lessons for the meetings, and service saturdays so that one day not only could I comment again, but I could also go to Quick Builds – but that only takes up certain amount of time.
I don’t have any future goals. I’m not planning to buy a house, move to another area, or planning a wedding.
No, I am the girl who just a few days ago was blissfully in love – And blissfully ignorant.
Maybe I’m supposed to be happy – but I’m not. I can’t help it – I know that the love, that I placed all my dreams in, is over. I feel tears well up in my eyes as I hear his voice play on my answering machine. Our lives are so intertwined – just as I would wish them to be, but he’s detangling his heart. I know I should be grateful – I’m being saved from a life of being married to someone with different and even possibly conflicting beliefs. But tell that to my heart. Tell that to that place in your chest that connects to that person when you hug – like it’s never connected to anyone before. Tell that to the memories of a love shared that you always believed would come again.
Well so many thoughts and feelings… The elders talked to me, and wanted reassurance that I wasn’t dating Curtis. I feel like we’re drifting away anyways. We’ve haven’t done anything in so long it seems…
Tonight, going to the meeting I realized another distance that is definate between us. Normally I’d wish for him to be there, I want him to be next to me, and make plans for going out to eat after. But tonight I was for real. I knew he wasn’t coming. (I also as usual know that he feels guilty.) I made plans for dinner with Tobey, and he wasn’t a concern to me. Curt might would think that this is a good thing… Good because he can have his life with me, without having to go. To me, it’s bad, its a sign that we’re moving further apart.
Sitting with Tobey I laughed when she mentioned how very much he just looks like one of us. It’s kind of bittersweet, I guess. I’ve gone through the disolutions and now I’m at reality, seeing clearly, as well as clearly seeing why I would have ever thought.
So I don’t know what the future holds, but at least I’m thinking more about one. I’m not so much down (althought who knows tomorrow), and I’m extracting myself from self-pity. I’ve got stuff to do, places to see, and a life to live. It’s time to get started.
Curtis if ever there is a way for you to know, always know that I wished it to be you. I still hold hope that it’ll be me for you, and you for me… so happy together…
I can’t believe how incrediably lonely I am. I barely keep my voice from wabbling when I asked my mom to come down to Huntersville for the meeting with me tonight, and have dinner with me afterwards. I just want someone to sit next to me.
She can’t come, and I’ll be sitting alone.
She asked if I’d be alright, I said I’d survived. I’m always surviving.
I just can’t seem to get out of this phase of being down. I’m sad, as well I should be I think. Leaving work today a hazy thought when through my head “I walk alone”. I was fairly certain it was a song, and I found out I’m right.
That’s how it feels. I’m walking alone. I want so much to have someone to share my life with me. It’s freezing in here. Ah, I just checked the thermostat already knowing what I’d find. Anytime Curt comes over he drops the temp several degrees.
I wish I could have it all, and I want it right now. And I feel guilty for saying so because I feel like I’m not being appreciative for what I do have.
What do I have? I have the most wonderful boyfriend. He is thoughtful and considerate. He’s independant and yet needs me. He’s smart, funny, and outgoing. He’s someone that other people look to for help, he is a leader. He loves music, loves to dance. He loves me.
What don’t I have, what makes it all so perfectly imperfect? I want to share my life with him. That means wanting him to be with me at the meetings, and share with me in my dedication to Jehovah. I want him to go with me in field service, and I want us to raise our children together as Jehovah’s Witnesses (until, of course, they get to an age to make their own choices). I want a perfectly peaceful, and content life. I don’t want resentment, contentions, or tension. I just want to be happy, and serve Jehovah with my husband.
Will I ever get that? I doubt it. My love is fiercely protective of his independence. He can’t imagine giving up time in his life to routinely go to the meetings. He doesn’t see the same benefits from them as I.
Gotta run, my mommy’s on the phone.
Today I spent the better part of five hours in an “argument” with Curtis. The nice thing is although it was miserable to go through I think at the end we got somewhere.
I love him. It’s hard to think of all the problems we’ll have to face going forward that other couples never even think about. It’s hard when every once in awhile someone does a reality check on me. Today I had lunch with Brian, and he gave me a doubtful look when I said that Curtis would go with me to the meetings.
I wish there was someway to make this all right. I’m not about changing the person I love even if it would make my “dream world” perfect. And being a Jehovah’s Witness isn’t worth anything unless it’s whole-hearted.
In my perfect dream world everyone would come to our wedding (including all my friends) because Curtis (along the way of time) had decided he believed as I do, and got baptized as a “servant of Jehovah”. My parents would embrace him with open arms (I already know that except for that they’d love him to death) and my friends would welcome him into “our group”.
We’d have kids who’d hang out with Ashley & Chris’ (when they have them of course) and the next time a quickbuild came around we’d be working on it together, side-by-side, and who know’s maybe he’d even work with my dad.
But that’s not happening. It’s nice to think about though. I love him. Although I don’t think loving him is a mistake, I take comfort in the words of another of his favorite songs “loving might be a mistake, but it’s worth making”.
On another note, the conversation from today: Curtis made so many good points. It’s hard to accept that I’ve become so depressed and dependant. That I’ve given up having control of my life, and taking charge of my own happiness. That always makes me think of Mike’s dad, Big Mike, when he told me I am in control of my happiness.
I need to snap out of looking for anyone else to hold me up. I need to stop leaning on Curtis, and I need to stop doing things that take me away from my goal.
I only wish I had someone to support me. I’ll never take for granted again what it means to have people who really know your path, and understand your life. I hope that one day when we make it to that day, that Curtis will be able to share that with me too. That we truly can be one. One in all ways, and in the most important way.