Mar 19, 2001 - Nibbles    No Comments

Here I am almost midnight and unable to sleep. There is an aching in my heart. An empiness maybe? Why do I have to allow myself to look back? Pity is pitiful. Still I can’t seem to chase away this hollow in my heart. I wish I could cry. Maybe I could cry it away. But my tears are silent, and my pain is haunting. Am I kidding myself. Am I trying to live a dream. Will I wake up one day and realize someone was playing a joke on me and this wasn’t really real?
It’s a diving feeling within the depths of my soul. A wash of agony through my center. Crying out, but for what I’m uncertain. Hold me. Tell me it will all be better. Take this cup from me. Let tears wash away my pain.

Mar 18, 2001 - Nibbles    No Comments

Another weekend. Another attempt to begin again. To turn around and get it right.
Curtis met Clayton, and he may go to the Hall with him. I feel like I have a chance, and I’d be a fool to pass it up. I have someone I love dearly and I know what makes me happy. Now I’ve just “say no” – find my resolve. I’m starting my reading schedule and going to get back on the ball with my Daily Text. Here’s to my dedication.

Mar 15, 2001 - Nibbles    No Comments

I’m home. I’m feeling pretty good. I have a plan, and I have support. I keep forgetting to print out the “read the Bible” in a year schedule, which keeps me from reading. Poor excuse I know. We’re going dancing friday night, and I’ll crash there. We have an agreement that nothing will happen. I need that. I want to get my life back into order. I don’t know why the brothers haven’t gotten together with me to talk, but I’m considering it as time to get it together for real. I know I’m probably dreaming that I could make it back in this time around, but I’m going to use this meeting as a booster. I need to put a solid plan into action and I know the best defense is my personal study. Reading the bible, my magazines, and studying my lessons.

Sunday I’m supposed to go with Curtis to a Lutheran church. I’m wary to say the least. I wish there was some kind of way for him to see how I love who I am spiritual wise. I like where I am. I believe what I believe. I like the way I worship, the place and people I worship with. I like the standards I wish to live by.

Well I’ve got to run. Chowing down on dinner, running to the tanning bed, and then the meeting.

Mar 13, 2001 - Nibbles    No Comments

My goals.

I am practicing abstince until I’m married. To help in this I am not going to undress, shower or spend the night with Curtis anymore. No touching which leads to it. My love shouldn’t be questioned just because we’re not making love anymore.

I want to start reading the Bible everyday. I’m going to pick up where I stand to date on the year schedule I have, and read the assigned amount each night.

I’m going to continue to study my Watchtower on Sunday, and for the bookstudy on Tuesday. I need to start new routines to support this. Sunday Bob Evan’s pancakes works, I’ll find something like that for Tuesdays. I need to consider what I can do for Thursday’s.

I need to start reading the Watchtower and Awake magazines as they come in. I have subscriptions to Glamour and Cosmopolitan magazines, if I can read them, I can read these.

Mar 11, 2001 - Nibbles    No Comments

Life. One day I guess I’ll look back and reflect on this time. I’ll have fond memories, and maybe some regrets. I don’t know. I don’t know if I’m going to have a hard time… If my house will sell, letting me have enough money to live, or not. Or if I’ll do the project at work which would make it so I’d finally pay off all that debt. I don’t know if I’ll rely on my credit cards to survive a month or two – or if this is all worry for nothing.

I tell you one thing though. Life when you’re doing good is a lot less worrisome. Knowing that Jehovah is taking care of you, because you make him happy. I want to make him happy again. I feel like getting this apartment was something he wanted or supported. But I feel like I’ve failed to earn it after the fact. I hope that my house sells, that I’ll do that side project that things will work out, but I haven’t been giving him something, anything, to bless. Josh told me that ages ago, “You’ve got to give him something to bless.”

I want to do right. I want to prove I can be what I want to be. Right now I’m such a wimp. At night I don’t want to be alone. I want to be loved, and have love. I want to share my life with someone. Be taken care of. But that’s something that takes time.

I want to earn getting back in to the hall. I feel like I lose my motivation way to easy. It is so hard doing anything alone. It’s hard realizing you’re alone. Tonight I told Margo that. I told her all I have is her, and Curtis. Neither of them can support what I’m trying to do, neither of them understand.

So, I’m going to try putting myself on a schedule. Relying on Jehovah, and believing in him. Giving myself rules, and living by them. I believe if I do what’s right, all get all I long for. Its just the getting to it thats the hard part.

Mar 9, 2001 - Nibbles    No Comments

I’m tired. Curtis and I talked last night. The inevitable run away part happened. Then I had to go to the meeting. Afterwards I took a bath, got in bed, and called him to say good night. It’s so hard. I love him. But in a warped sense of view, he stands between me and my getting back into the hall. Getting it together.
Last night I wished that he would want to support me. I don’t know what’s right or wrong here. I know it’s wrong to hope that someone will change to be something that they’re not. But I don’t think it’s right to give up one of my needs/dreams either. Meanwhile its just a long time before I can “be” with him. And that’s hard too. My heart has never followed tradition, and it fails to now.
I know that it’s a good idea to wait, but my heart says it right, be there now. All of that just skips by the whole religion thing.
I’m tired.

Mar 7, 2001 - Nibbles    No Comments

Don’t know where to start. Feeling sad. More than that. But that’s a start. I hate feeling conflicted. I know my choices in life. I know what I want. I have never felt the need to justify them to anyone else. I don’t feel like I need to now.

I don’t know what will happen with Curtis and I. I love him, and yes, except for the “religion thing” we would be perfect together. But that doesn’t make me want to give up what has been the most important influence, and effect on my life up to now. It’s interesting. I also am the only thing that stands in the way of us being together. My need to have someone share with me that love. That experience. Forgive me love, but would you really want me turning to someone else to share such a big part of me? Would you want me to bury it deep and watch as it extinguishes my spirit?

The past few days I’ve found my life come back. Curtis has seen it reflected in me physically as well. My complection, my color. I don’t want to lose that.

Color Quiz Results:

    Your Existing Situation

      Willing and adaptable. Only at peace when closely attached to a person, group, or organization on a which reliance can be placed.

    Your Stress Sources

      Wants to overcome a feeling of emptiness and to bridge the gap which she feels separates herself from others. Anxious to experience life in all its aspects, to explore all its possibilities, and to live it to the fullest. She therefore resents any restriction or limitation being imposed on her and insists on being free and unhampered.

    Your Restrained Characteristics

      Feels that she cannot do much about her existing problems and difficulties and that she must make the best of things as they are. Able to achieve satisfaction from sexual activity.

    Your Desired Objective

      Preoccupied with things of an intensely exciting nature, whether erotically stimulating or otherwise. Wants to be regarded as an exciting and interesting personality with an altogether charming and impressive influence on others. Uses tactics skillfully so as to avoid endangering her chances of success or undermining others’ confidence in herself.

    Your Actual Problem

      Fights against restriction or limitation, and insists on developing freely as a result of her own efforts.

    Your Actual Problem #2

      The fear that she might be prevented from achieving the things she wants leads her to play her part with an urgent and hectic intensity.

Feb 27, 2001 - Nibbles    No Comments

I’m tired. Last night driving home I was exhausted. Sometimes when I stop to think about what the future holds I’m so uncertain. I know that never again in my life do I want to stray from what I have decided is “right” in my heart. Too much unhappiness. I like certainty, I like “my little world”.

When I think about Curtis I don’t know what to think. Things would be so simple if only he were a JW. All my worries would disappear. Maybe that’s shallow knowing that Brad was one and that still left me with MANY problems – but we seem so perfect together, excepting that little thing. Yeah, I know that that’s my problem. It is the way I think about it.

Problem is I really believe that through sharing a faith you have so much more stability in a relationship. You have common beliefs and a starting point for working things out. I honestly believe if Brad had practiced as we were taught as witnesses we would still be together. Same goes for my actions at the end.

So here I am. I’m looking forward to being reinstated. (Although it’s so much more than just that.) I’m hoping against hope, praying that I haven’t stood in my own way of that happening this time around. I hope that I am right hearted before Jehovah, and I can return to his organization soon.

Everything else – I don’t know. When I get back in one day (because that much is an inevitablity) and assuming that Curtis and I are still together (which I believe will be the case) what will I do? Marrying “only in the Lord”. That’s what I face. Maybe it doesn’t make sense to him, but it makes sense to me. I don’t want to “break” any more rules. I don’t want to go against what I know brings blessings and happiness. But I don’t know if he’ll ever be “one of us”. I wish it were appropriate to pray for that. I would so fervently.

There’s a gray line when you dream of a person, but a the person isn’t all your dreams. I can’t imagine being with anyone else. Loving anyone, or feeling as one with anyone else in my life. If I’m wrong I’ll be so surprised. But I do want it all. I want him. I want to share my love for Jehovah with him. I want (here’s where I shift to “someone”) someone to conduct family bible studies. Someone who’ll go out in service with me. Most importantly someone who loves Quick Build’s as much as I do. Can’t that someone be him?

Feb 26, 2001 - Nibbles    No Comments

I love Curtis. He has shown me what love is, and has no idea how much I really love him. Today dealing with my feelings I realized how much I truly do love him. When it was natural for me to feel like shutting down my feelings and to walk away to protect what I want to achieve. To walk away from anything in my way. But I knew I didn’t want to walk away from you. I may not have known the answer, a resolution, but I knew it wasn’t leaving you.

On the way to talk to you I prayed. I asked for help in expressing how I felt, in knowing what to say, and however I said it, not chasing you away. When we talked you were so perfect. You knew exactly the two choices. You said we could either stop seeing eachother, because it’s just too hard, or keep dating but not let it happen. You said you knew that I needed to get back in.

The other day you said that you knew I’d make it. You don’t know how much your support means to me.

I know what I want. I want to please Jehovah. I want to be worthy of worshipping along side all of my friends in his organization. I want to make him happy.

For so long I’ve talked about “when I get my life back”. I now know that life never stopped.