Aug 21, 2007 - Nibbles    No Comments

can’t… stop… blogging…

“ok fyi it might not be charlie, I’m not sure who gets the ticket… “

in being honest with myself i have to admit that i believe this means that he’s “prepping” me for one day finding out that a cute chick who was previously identified “got” the ticket.

i don’t believe him when he says that when he said “if i’d have known [that we weren’t dating] then i would have done things differently” means that he wouldn’t have made different choices when presented with options i’ll never be aware of.

i wonder if he knows/remembers that HE was the one with the control. that he was the one who broke up with me. that he never claimed me again. that he never bothered to mention that i was his girlfriend again. it didn’t stop me from acting in accord with that [insert proper girlfriend reaction and behavior with Marano here]… but it still hurt like hell.

ok. so in the interest that i can drop this, because it’s a current hurt and not one that i can just bury but instead need to vent on, i’ll vent here and hope that i never bring it up again.

july 5th-7th, “our guest jana”. it was a great way to end a holiday away, missing my boyfriend. i couldn’t understand why he hadn’t called. i was trying to be cool about it. he was flying home (took more than a day of flying) and then he was surely exhausted, and then it was july 4th. but i became a mad woman, missing him, and wondering why he didn’t miss me too?

then i go to show rachel his photos. the internet connection had died in sorrento… it’s funny, i wouldn’t have seen anything there… but days later it’s staring me in the face.

no wonder he didn’t have time to call.

my trip was boring compared to his weekend.

the worst are the few photos of just her at the barbeque. not group shots… photos of everyone. no, just a couple of just her. her looking at him.

brian mentioned last night how people are sweeter to you when they feel guilty.

i wonder when he bought the locket.

P.S. I wish I knew what he was thinking when he posted these pictures… did he mean to hurt me? Did he think that I wouldn’t care (how could he ever imagine that I could be secure enough to deal with them)? The only reason I try hard to believe she means nothing is because I can’t really believe that he was so mean. He couldn’t possibly have thought at all about how it would feel to see these photos. Therefore, he really couldn’t have meant anything by it… but that’s why his comment about having done different things if he’d known haunts me. that’s why she haunts me. they just look like they’re having so damn much fun. they look good together. and to think i was missing him. it makes me so very sad. he didn’t call until the weekend.

Aug 21, 2007 - Nibbles    No Comments

fix me

When you try your best, but you don’t succeed
When you get what you want, but not what you need
When you feel so tired, but you can’t sleep
Stuck in reverse

When the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can’t replace
When you love someone, but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?

High up above or down below
When you’re too in love to let it go
If you never try you’ll never know
Just what you’re worth

When you lose something you cannot replace
Tears stream down your face

And I…
Tears stream down on your face
I promise you
I will learn from my mistakes
Tears stream down your face

And I…
Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

Aug 21, 2007 - Nibbles    No Comments

for the duration

its so hard not to email brian. i’m used to communicating, or maybe it’s just because now i can’t. i start emails and have to close them and turn here instead.

just was wondering…

“if you could ask me to do something, to be something, to focus on or change something while i’m waiting and giving you time and space, what would it be?”

i just realize that i’m inclined to wait because it preserves the moment, the love, the inclination to love and adore him and not instead to return to the pain of rejection, of “commitment” that came to such a crushing end.

i realized in writing that sentence that i don’t know what he wants from me other than to go the fuck away. i don’t know how to best be ready for us if that should be what happens. i am taking violin lessons and italian lessons during the week, and besides this week, i see my therapist weekly. nights are the parts that are hard. thankfully right now i’m just really tired, and i will be tomorrow night too because i’ve committed myself to plans so i won’t be sitting at home missing a show. (instead i’ll be out doing the same, but whatever.) so tomorrow night, wednesday, i’ll hopefully have a quiet night at home either reading, or watching some movie (i want to rent “Little Miss Sunshine”)… i guess in that moment i hit on the point of what bothers me about this whole thing in relationships where people need time and space. things change, people change, moments are had and passed, and people grow during that time and space. i’ve been wanting to see Little Miss Sunshine with Brian since Andrea told me how good it was. but i’ve been waiting patiently because i want it to be a good experience… but meanwhile i’m dying to lose myself in a good movie… if i give in and see it, it’ll be a moment passed for us. sure someone might say that that’s trival and i’m way too into experiences… but i am.

i’ve enjoyed all the experiences with brian. last night he mentioned the foriegn flick that i netflixed and then he watched after i immediately passed out. in some distant way that’s validation to me that movies are, just like concerts, and other things, special moments to be treasured with someone you love.

another example? i have the fremont outdoor theater on my calendar for Saturday night. i added it last week, and i don’t think i ever sent it to brian. i was just hoping that after all the visitors had finally cleared out of town that we would have settled into something that would have allowed for us to experience that for the first time, together.

but i realized that waiting isn’t healthy. but i still don’t want to go see the show without him. i don’t want to see Little Miss Sunshine and not share it with him. but what AM i supposed to do?

both school and brian have made me feel like befriending or rekindling a friendship would be unfair during this short time period. they would serve as temporary friends who would be dropped as soon as either the school quarter starts, or brian and i reconcile. and if we don’t reconcile…

i guess that’s the other thing that sucks about this. i really do just have to sit and wait. i hope brian remembers that i loved rome before i thought that he’d ever hate me. the two inclinations are not interwined. unfortunately i know that his needs, his career are more important (to him) than me (or being with me, if i need to be elsewhere)… so while in rome andrea helped me work through my independence and realizing what it is that i specifically wanted. what i want is to be happy. i want to be able to give back and to have a full life. bottom line is that i want my confidence and security back. that’s a complicated little thing… it’s intertwined in both my relationship with brian, my relationships with others, and my career.

my relationship with brian has left me nothing less than devastated. i never felt truly secure. he has a tendency (understatement) to speak in absolutes. if i like the beach it’d be a deal breaker because he can’t stand it. religion was always under the covers.

fuck. jesus christ. how the fuck did i forget that? last night when i told him how it is that i never felt/knew that he was committed to me for pretty much the duration of our relationship he seemed flabbergasted and as if i had insulted him. well i just recalled the misery of waiting, waiting, waiting to have “that conversation”…. you know the one where we’d talk about our future, evaluate the concerns i knew he had about religion (and lay some of those to rest, and hopefully leave him a little more at ease) but we never could… every time i would approach it, it was as if he didn’t want to break the moment… it left me feeling like the conclusion of that conversation was to be dreaded… that he was just preserving our time together until he told me that he could never marry me because _______. i never really wanted to push; me and my insecurity. i didn’t want to see like that girl who was pushing for marriage. i don’t want to be labelled as the girl who says “we need to have a talk” (though i’ve certainly earned it by now, haven’t i?).

why don’t i stop to realize these things before it’s done so much damage. i sit here and wonder how my self-esteem could be so devastated when seemingly our relationship should have helped build it along the way. well i miss so many obvious things. it’s not like i’d say (before it popped out of my mouth last night and sounded true) that brian wasn’t really committed to me. as a matter of fact, i would say that we are, but we just don’t talk about it… i’m sure i’ve told corrina that before. it was barbara (and now janice) who pointed out that we’ve been casual about each other the entire relationship, that we’ve always been one foot out, that we haven’t truly committed to each other, as barbara would say “have each others backs”, or as i saw to be fighting for each other (mutually).

in a conversation about two weeks ago with barbara i told her that we have always been out of sync, when one of us is more invested the other one is protecting them selves, more distanced. we’re never both 100% invested, secure, and loving at the same time.

i’m rambling. i do that. i do it when i’m tired especially. i’m sitting here wondering why goldfarb is still sitting in his office.

the sun keeps trying to make its way out. i’ve felt bad all day because i don’t want it to. i thought i was being selfish, that my motivation is that i didn’t want his night to be pleasant.

i’m happy because i just realized (as i look out and still hope that clouds cover again) that it’s not about that… i just don’t want to be missing out. i gallantly said that wilco is his thing, but music is my thing. and if i didn’t know him, i’d be there. but as long as it’s crappy weather outside i can tell myself that i don’t want to be. i know it’s not the truth, but it’ll get me through the night.

btw, i cry in the shower. i can’t believe the unbelievably bad timing of not having a shower. i need to cry.

i need to cry for all the things i’m so sorry for
i need to cry for all the things i wished i’d done
i need to cry for all the simple decisions i wished i’d made differently
i need to cry for all that’s been wasted between us
i need to cry for all that’s been lost along the way
i need to cry for all that we might miss out of
i need to cry for all that we might never know
i need to cry for that we might have been
i need to cry for the past
i need to cry for the present
i need to cry for the future
i need to cry for all the fears i hold inside
i need to cry for the fact that he might find me boring again one day
i need to cry for the fear that he might not tell me so
i need to cry for the terror that he’d stay with me “for the kids”
i need to cry for the horror that we got here
i need to cry for the shame that so much of it was preventable
i need to cry for the regret that i couldn’t save us
i need to cry for us
i need to cry for me
i need to cry for you

i need a shower.

Aug 21, 2007 - Nibbles    No Comments

so exhausted

i’m so exhausted but i’m just plugging away at stuff to get things cleaned up and moving workwise.

meanwhile i am a very vaguely sad. when brian walks by my door (three times today, this is day one of “not seeing each other”) he looks in at me. i don’t know whether he’s trying to catch my eye (which incidentally i’m trying to avoid to avoid the pain) or if he just can’t help it. ah! he just walked by and shot me a look. i guess he’s packing up to leave for the show (tonight is wilco… my ticket turned out to not be mine since he paid for it).

i’m tired. i don’t really feel much. i guess i’m kind of numb.

Aug 21, 2007 - Nibbles    No Comments

my to do list

i keep writing notes on crazy things like the top of my daniel’s broiler leftovers box, jersey mike’s paper napkins and backs of reciepts. i don’t want to forget these ideas, so i’m going to put them here. i’m not sure why i’m apologizing to myself for this – i guess it’s just because it seems to break the purist spirit of this blog.

  • make a list of things forgive …. forget; need to stop remembering the past, it’s the past and we (can) have a great future and the pieces of the past are what brought us here
  • post the “irony” image that janice showed me last week. it’s a good sentiment, backdate it to the right day
  • start a “timeless” photo album that chronicles all the good memories — i’ll never be a creative memories girl, but i can do that.
  • “Seek first to understand, then to be understood.” i just learned that this quote is from seven habits of highly effective people. i own it (or used to) and never read it, maybe that would be a good enzyme for current growth spurt
  • document my thinking on rome, moving, hopes, goals, work, etc. need to understand each of the facets of what’s going on in my life right now because the lines aren’t cut and dry. i have to examine them together, not individually.
  • examine the fear of starting grad school. a three year commitment. a commitment i’d willingly make if we were commited, but i guess my fear is proof of my underlying feeling that the commitment wasn’t there. should we have talked marriage more? future? it never seemed to be an issue until i realized i’d assumed our future was secure and together right up until being dumped.
  • can i treat him like a prince after giving time and space, or will i have lost my “reckless abandon” rush and be more cautious, reserved, insecure, etc? could he deal with that, and we rebuild together, or will he be angry? i say angry, i guess, because i’d expect him to want to punish me and for me to make recompense. does times and space negate recompense? can we get out of the “you owe me” mode that we keep getting into? is it just me that’s felt that way?
Aug 21, 2007 - Nibbles    No Comments

hiding my heart

he called tonight as i was chatting online with corrina. i don’t know whether or not he had thought about wilco, but i had just mentioned it to corrina. i’d been waiting all day, well all weekend really.

it’s interesting the absolute and incomplete way he speaks. he doesn’t want to see me anymore. he doesn’t say how long, he doesn’t acknowledge we work mere doorways apart. he doesn’t say much more than that.

try as i might, i can’t stop fighting. i consider it a failure that we stayed on the phone for so long. meanwhile it felt good because he broke his silence and shared real feelings. it was hard at the end of the conversation because it felt good, and i broke that by focusing on hurting about dave and wilco.

i’m not going to wilco. he’s going to dave.

will i regret that?

i told him about the fear i’ve lived with through our entire relationship. always wondering if he was committed to me. our anniversary. business trips where i felt so utterly alone while he shined and lived it up without me. how bad i feel for having stopped taking care of him while i was so focused on school. how i want to learn certain things, but how insecure i am about doing it. about how much there is to learn together.

i’m so exhausted. i put a countdown on my vista sidebar. “10 days brian” dave matthews, labor day, our anniversary.

Aug 21, 2007 - Nibbles    No Comments

lying to himself

i think it’s just in his nature not to be honest. i don’t take it personally anymore, but i suppose it’s also something that keeps me from trusting his words. it’s not malicious, i think its second nature and well intentioned, but that doesn’t keep me from feeling like i can’t trust things he says or feels…

wilco: he said he hadn’t thought of wilco or what not when he called… but he immediately charlie needed a ticket.

commitment: he said about a week ago that he “had made that choice… i chose when you were in italy” and then i realized that would have been his motivation for buying me the necklace. isn’t that choice, the choice to choose me, the definition of commitment? (he thought i was crazy when i said i didn’t know that he had committed to me… that he’s never chosen me… but evidentally i was right… though that isn’t to diminish the commitment he’d made to our relationship, he’d only committed to me just a few weeks ago.)

i don’t feel like pointing these things out would help much, but i’d prefer to start chronicling things i think to help me learn how to maneuver through our relationship better. to better understand him and the complicated way he thinks and doesn’t.

Aug 20, 2007 - Nibbles    No Comments

Fallen Angel

When all the world falls down at your feet
But it isn’t the whole world really, just yours
The heart is sadden, the spirit downtrodden
And you’re left to wonder why must you go on

Such a complicated web of relationships
Where not one can be trusted to be unbiased in all
The lover is the co-worker of whom you’re ashamed to see you in all your failure
To know that his business would be better off without you
To wonder if that’s why he’d send you to Rome

A friend who began as a mentor, an excuse for cocktails really
A competitor, another to whom you’re too ashamed to admit how far you’ve fallen
Who peers into your personal life, where you’ve let her in
And even there she pities you, all you’ve become and all that’s been done
For you’d she cry and it breaks your heart

A mother who hoped that her daughter would have so much more
Who told stories of terror and fear and complacency, of getting by
Who thought that none of this would be befall us
Who would be so terribly disappointed to learn the truth
Disappointed to know I’ve become everything she’s wished not

A pal who’s like a brother, who at the same time he envies you he laments your decline
To whom it seems ungrateful to complain, after all I take for granted what he seeks to obtain
Who jokes the jokes that strike the deepest
Of who you’ve been told you treat beneath you
Who’s devotion is taken for granted each time the sun shines on you

And a best friend who strikes at what matters most
The core of who you remember once being
The one who watched you fall an angel from grace
The one who could truly say you’ve risen from the ashes
The one who put the last nail in the coffin, confirmed all that you are and are not

There’s a candle burning in the world tonight
For another child who vanished out of sight
And a heart is broken, another prayer in vain
There’s a million tears that fill a sea of pain

Sometimes I stare out my window
My thoughts all drift into space
Sometimes I wonder if there’s a better place

Tell me, where do fallen angels go
I just don’t know
Where do fallen angels go
They keep falling, falling, falling…

Now the times is frightening
Can’t ignore the facts
There’s so many people
Just slippin’ through the cracks

So many ashes are scattered
So many rivers run dry
Sometimes your Heaven is Hell and you don’t know why

Aug 19, 2007 - Nibbles    No Comments

painting gives you plenty of time to think…

and i was just thinking…

i wonder when you might ever call me just to say “good night” again

or when you might say “i love you” when we hang up the phone

i wonder if we’ll ever dance in the living room again

and maybe the fumes are getting to me, but now i wonder if ever i might get a chance to make a good memory against that concrete pillar

i wonder if i’ll ever get to see us together as i see us in my heart

Aug 19, 2007 - Nibbles    No Comments

logic

you are my best friend, and you always want to be my best friend

as my best friend you love me and want the best for me, for me to be healthy and safe

your finest moments in loving me are in my worst moments of living where you demonstrate just that. you put yourself and your heart and your feelings aside to care for me, to take care of me, to help me heal, so that i may one day become a secure and confident woman as i remember being as a little girl.

this all feels fantastic. this feels like what love should be. i don’t know what love is, but if it isn’t that, what else is there?

then i am sad.

this is my messed up logic.

what point is there in becoming that amazing me that you and and i believe in, if it isn’t for you? why would you invest so much in me and treasure the outcome? why would you love me so much and not love me?

there are many things i don’t understand. this is the one that overshadows me every day, and has since the spring.

all my logic can do is to say that you don’t love me in that way. but i don’t know what it is that would be missing so that could possibly be true. we connect by just looking into each others eyes when we lay our heads down beside each other. we connect in the most intimate of movements and motion.

so when i lose my sense of self and i say over and over “i don’t understand”, maybe you can at least understand what i mean.

i’m just emailing. i don’t want responses. i just want to share. i want to send the thoughts from the deepest depths of exploring my heart and soul out there into the world to the only one i put faith in.

if we aren’t lovers at least being friends can really mean something.

if i can’t be loved, i just want to be understood.

i was content today when you guys came to see eilon’s house. you seemed happy and i was happy. at little sad, but happy. that made me happy. to see you at ease, relaxed.