Apr 13, 2007 - Nibbles    No Comments

freaky friday

the clock entoned the hour, twelve strike echoing through the dank air. death waits for no one, and apparently love either. it was midnight, freaky friday. the day it was declared over.

i’m pathetic. i don’t know how to let go. i sit in my office when i really should go home. most everyone else has. but i want to be available. i want contact. i want to be asked to do something, even if i should say no. so i play a stupid game. i commit myself to a task that means i’m tied here for several more minutes. within the range of you leaving. i don’t know why. the answer is no. i don’t want to talk anymore. what i want i can’t have. you don’t have it for me anymore. i wanted to send you my songs for you. but i didn’t want to reach out. you don’t deserve to know my hopes my fears, my sadness.

— Goodbye my Lover —

Did I disappoint you or let you down?
Should I be feeling guilty or let the judges frown?

‘Cause I saw the end before we’d begun,
Yes I saw you were blinded and I knew I had won.
So I took what’s mine by eternal right.
Took your soul out into the night.

It may be over but it won’t stop there,
I am here for you if you’d only care.

You touched my heart you touched my soul.
You changed my life and all my goals.
And love is blind and that I knew when,
My heart was blinded by you.

I’ve kissed your lips and held your hand.
Shared your dreams and shared your bed.
I know you well, I know your smell.
I’ve been addicted to you.

Goodbye my lover. Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one. You have been the one for me.

I am a dreamer and when i wake,
You can’t break my spirit – it’s my dreams you take.

And as you move on, remember me,
Remember us and all we used to be
I’ve seen you cry, I’ve seen you smile.
I’ve watched you sleeping for a while.

I’d be the mother of your child.
I’d spend a lifetime with you.

I know your fears and you know mine.
We’ve had our doubts but now we’re fine,
And I love you, I swear that’s true.
I cannot live without you.

And I still hold your hand in mine.
In mine when I’m asleep.
And I will bare my soul in time,
When I’m kneeling at your feet.

Goodbye my lover. Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one. You have been the one for me.

I’m so hollow, baby, I’m so hollow. I’m so, I’m so, I’m so hollow.
I’m so hollow, baby, I’m so hollow. I’m so, I’m so, I’m so hollow.

— The Space Between —

You cannot quit me so quickly
Is no hope in you for me
No corner you could squeeze me
But I’ve got all the time for you love

The space between
The tears we cry is the laughter that keeps us coming back for more

The space between
The wicked lies we tell to keep us safe from the pain

Will I hold you again

These fickle fuddled words confuse me
Like will it rain today
We waste the hours with talking talking
These twisted games we’re playing

We’re strange allies
With warring hearts
What a wild eyed beast you be

The space between
The wicked lies we tell that hope to keep us safe from the pain

Look at us spinning out in the madness of a rollercoaster
You know you went off like the devil in the church In the middle of a crowded room
All we can do my love Is hope we don’t take this ship down

The space between
Where you smile and hide
That’s where you’ll find me if I get to go

The space between
The bullets in our fire fight
Is where I’ll be hiding waiting for you

The rain that falls
Splashed in your heart
Ran like sadness down the window into your room

The space between
Our wicked lies is
The hope to keep safe from pain

Take my hand
Cause we’re walking out of here
Right out of here
Is all we need dear

The space between
What’s wrong and right
Is where you’ll find me hiding Waiting for you

The space between
Your heart and mind
Is the space we’ll fill with time

The space between
The tears we cry is the laughter keeps us coming back for more
The space between
Our wicked lies where we hope to keep safe from pain

The space between
The space between

Apr 13, 2007 - Nibbles    No Comments

the backstory

i walked to my car, miserable.

as i pulled off campus i was in a trance.

as i drove across the bridge i was staring blankly into the rear of the car ahead of me.

as i sat outside the therapist’s office parked along the street i felt pieces of me fall away.

i considered shoving it aside, of fraudulantly raising my spirits.

i was reluctant to let go of having been happy so briefly, to admit defeat.

i felt misery and sadness wash over me in waves after wave. defeated. undone.

on the brink of breakdown, just as weeks before.

lost, alone, unwanted and unapproved of.

i can’t wait to get home and take a pill.

Apr 13, 2007 - Nibbles    No Comments

the other day

I had this fanciful thought that I could hide my misery, thereby giving you time to ‘figure it out’. I would pour my misery through ink on paper. I would never show you this just as there are others that i haven’t shown. i wrote the email that took this ship down instead.

Sep 29, 2003 - Nibbles    No Comments

“i thank you from the bottom of my heart for being there for me! and continuing to be there for me!!!”

Mar 9, 2003 - Nibbles    No Comments

I wonder as you leave if you realize that all this was real. That I dreamed about the future, that I felt so safe and secure… that it was all real to me. The closest to real I’ve ever been.

I wonder if one day I’ll look back and this will all be the past, or if one day we’ll look back, and be proud of ourselves.

Dec 14, 2002 - Nibbles    No Comments

So I wonder when life moves on. When you stop being haunted by memories and dreams of a love past.

I lay in bed and feel so much like One Apart. I had thought by now I would have rid myself of that designation, but it lingers on.

And death shall have no dominion.

Oct 26, 2002 - Nibbles    No Comments

So Curt’s on with someone else. I was thinking I need to get rid of his pictures from the frames around the apartment, and wondered if he’d taken our “friend” pic down from atop his desk.

I guess I’m moving to Seattle. Nothing in life seems to have much motivation behind it. I briefly considered calling Josh this evening, to bury the hatchet as they say. Realized I long ago deleted his number from my phone.

I pray that I be guided in what I should do, I hope for a clear answer. I don’t want to be in Texas. But I also don’t want to lose my ground. I worry about money, about having a job and being able to support myself.

Sometimes I think back and wonder what life would have been like if I didn’t have all this debt. What different choices I would have made in life.

Well, I guess as in all things we’ll just see.

Jul 18, 2002 - Nibbles    No Comments

Well I’m sitting here at work with a headache, and slightly bummed I guess.

I’m tired of a couple of things:

1.) Meeting guys who aren’t witnesses.

2.) Having a guy who talks to other girls on Match.com and other sites, yet pretends to be loyal to me.

3.) Not having someone to be loyal to myself. Someone to love, and dream about a future with.

So what’s happened since my last post in January? Well, Josh turned out to be an absolute jerk. Brad reincarnated.

I was offered a job with Travelocity.com and accepted. I moved and started on April 1st.

I started hanging out with Mat here at work, have totally enjoyed his company. Then he announced he was moving back home to Seattle. Considered following. Still I guess considering moving, more based on my forthcoming renewed lack of interest in Dallas/Fort Worth ironically cooresponding to the date Mat moves.

I’m tired of games and paths to no where and wonder if it isn’t all my own fault. I could walk a different road, and choose another path. Insert thought of moving to Rome with Shelly.

Here’s to my discontented walk with life.

Jan 28, 2002 - Nibbles    No Comments

It’s so interesting. My heart is torn in pieces, and all I can think about at this moment is all the ways you’ve “given me a taste of my own medicine”. You convince me that you’re meeting girls (Felisha, Kari) as “just friends”… then when I go to meet people online as “just friends” you tell me, pound it into my head, how that’s not possible, I ask you remind you about your “just friends” and you get mad because I turned it around on you. You tell me that you’re different. Three months later, you let it slip. You were looking for dating. Then isn’t it correct that I questioned (turned it around on you) it in the begining? Don’t I also get to question your level of honesty with me? (I am always completely honest with you, even when its not flattering or helpful to me at all.)

Then another circumstance… Seeing Jon Austin at Rock Bottom for the first time. I tell you about how we’re just friends (and that was the truth despite any consequences later) and you tell me how humilating that was to happen in front of the guys, and how bad it looked and how getting numbers isn’t about making friends… I smirk when I wonder if you were at the same pool table when you got her number, in front of all the same characters in our story. But, you know, you’re different. It’s different.

And you know what? I still continue to believe, have faith and trust again. Why? Because I guess I know the truth inside me, even when you don’t tell me… and I just block the facts – that the truth so many times no hasn’t really been the whole truth.

I guess it’s over. I came home to cry, to be angry. To wonder how people stop loving, when someone is also trying to gain their attention and try to love them (“Oh, hang on for several months while I mourn the loss of the ‘one who got away’, my soulmate, etc.”)

I guess I feel incredabily silly to learn that while I was creating boundary’s, trying so hard to maintain not in my mind, but in everyone’s that I was “just friends” with Josh, that you were instantanously referring to me as your ex-girlfriend. And several times over. Why did I try so hard? If I was only your ex-girlfriend than I have nothing to feel guilty about, right? And HEY DAMN IT – the words came from your mouth. You can’t take them back. Unless you didn’t mean it… in which case who are you lying to right now? Me? Or Casey? And by the way, it just dawned on me that you’re still lying to yourself. Telling someone about your EX-girlfriend is something you do only when you want to keep that path open – When you worry more about what Casey thinks, than about my certified status. So- I guess that’s what I mean by we’re even. I was your labelled (several times over the weekend) ex-girlfriend, therefore the fact that I was kissed cannot and will not be held against me in a court of law.

Oh, but I guess you’re different. The same rules don’t apply to you that apply to me. (It’s so hard not to read “I’m better than you” when you say that too!)

So what? Do I show this to you? Do you say how I’m psycho or something? No, I keep it to myself. Maybe you’ll see. And maybe you won’t. Maybe one day you’ll notice that at 11:16pm on that same Friday night you were talking to Casey about your ex-girlfriend (who incidently you HAD just spoken to) she was being an idiot and posting “all i long to do is to be held by you.” Oh, and that stupid poem. [inserted below]

Questions that apparently I can’t ask without being “pyschotic”, so I’ll ask them here. Did you really want me to call you this weekend? We talked Friday night, you met Casey, and then you spent time with her. Wouldn’t it be inconvienent for me to call while you were hanging out with her? (Yeah, I know same story as you calling/not callilng here… but at least I’m honest about it.)

As for not telling me about her… Well I guess in a way you already proved that you didn’t. You hide the fact that you were interested (although now you tell me, later doesn’t count for as much, as I’m sure you’d tell me in the same situation) and then you excuse it behind the fact that you were thinking about me the whole time and couldn’t get me out of your mind. Oh, OK, now I understand. LOL

So what’s the little bit of thinking that I’ve been able to do come down to? That I guess this is just another instance of not giving up. I’m thinking who cares about all the thoughts I thought I needed to figure out before this conversation, why am I worrying about it all? You are ready for another relationship, you just don’t want to let go until you have another girlfriend in place. It doesn’t matter whether or not I have any interest in someone or not, that’s just when you make a play for me again. In all actuality and reality, you’ve been looking since July and we both just can’t admit it. Sidenote: I’m sure if you asked Chris he would tell us so.

Its just so hard to let go. So hard to give up. Am I an ass? Yes. There will always be you. Two other women have told me that while they’re married to their husbands (and happily so) that they still and often think about that other guy. So I guess I’ll be another case of that. I guess it comes down to doing what’s best for yourself. Not being with the one that you’ll never forget, and always love. Because that one just doesn’t seem to work… that one just never seems to be the same on that you marry. At least not for these girls. I guess I’m through with romanticising away thinking we’d be the ones to break the odds, and all that bullshit. I guess now I just realize I have to figure out how to get over you. How to resolve myself to the guilt of one day “loving” someone else… being with someone else… and still loving you. That is so very wrong. It is so wrong to the person I’ll be with… It is wrong. [Insert song: If you can’t be with the one you love, love the one you’re with]

So back to what I think. I think I’m gonna learn really quickly that’s it’s over. We’ll fight we’ll make up and we’ll finally come to the real realization. And it’s not because it isn’t love, it’s not because we shouldn’t be… it’s because, well? I don’t know… because it’s to hard. Because we don’t share the one thing that means so much, and it’ll just never be that way. I can’t help but insert here how isolated, alienated, I feel that I can’t share my joy with you after the meetings, that you weren’t sitting next to me on Saturday at the Special Assembly Day, and that you’ll never be the one next to me at the meetings or a Quick Build. I wanted it so much, but I think that the truth of the matter is staying together is blatantly a lie. The truth is we both want the other to change, and it isn’t gonna happen.

I met a great guy this weekend. Yeah, you’re right, I think he’s a great guy because he’s alot like you. At the airport he just happened to move a little so that he looked like how you danced at Bar that night with Luis and Laura. Wish I remembered the song so I could maybe jog your memory, and so I could note it here too (if I heard it I could tell you)… And it killed me. It was just the final stab in the back, the heart, whatever. It was “the icing on the cake”. I stopped, and couldn’t move. I thought what kind of game is this? Or is it just the one answered prayer (when all the ones about us were ignored).

What’s so hard too? That when I go to give it a chance (because let’s face it… our conversation just so clearly made that clear that its the way it’d be) that I think that’s the end of our chance. I believe that I could be with him, and have a great time with him, and one day make it to him asking me to marry him. I believe that when we got married that making love would so very loving, and he would always continue to be a loving and attentive husband. What’s sad? That knowing all that doesn’t make me love him. It makes me realize that love isn’t attached to things, to qualities… to tangible items you can list, to pebbles on a scale… it’s attached to something you and I will never be able to understand, but just know.

reach out please,

touch my outstretched fingertips

oh, but for that tiny touch

that connection

the two of us

reach out please,

and hold my heart

it trembles and quivers

always desperate to know

that it is claimed by you

reach out please,

taste my kiss

know my lips long

to dance with yours

to a melody from our souls

reach out

touch

hold

taste

know

my love is for you

slight solace i find

some small piece of mind

leaving myself in verses

to tumble across your mind

your heart

in hopes that they might find

that i might find

their home

my home

there

until once again

i am in your arms again

i love you Curtis.

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