Browsing "Nibbles"
May 6, 2011 - Nibbles    No Comments


The length of your recovery is determined by the extent of your injuries. And it’s not always successful. No matter how hard we work at it. Some wounds might never fully heal. You might have to adjust to a whole new way of living. Things may have changed too radically to ever go back to what they were. You might not even recognize yourself. It’s like you haven’t recovered anything at all. You’re a whole new person with a whole new life.—Meredith Grey, Grey’s Anatomy

Nov 8, 2009 - Nibbles    No Comments


i am writing because i hope that it relieves some of the despair and i will keep fantasy as just that.

i am thinking of the sharp knife in the kitchen. buying that knife in seattle gave me the only thing i own that i think i can kill myself with.

i imagine just sending him one last text. please tell my mother i love her, and see that my body makes it home to her.

i will climb in the bathtub, a warm bath, take the bottle of clonazepam. i googled it, apparently i can’t overdose on it, but it would knock me into a stupor which would leave me the courage to die.

i don’t know which is more humiliating, the betrayal, or being left to die in the mire he’s left behind.

i’ve called him 15 times with no response. i am a wasted worthless woman.

i have attracted the same man to my side twice.

i lost both of them.

i wanted to love. i would forgive and love.

once i slept with a knife and feared dying.

now i will sleep in death with a knife, i fear living.

Nov 25, 2008 - Nibbles    No Comments


9:35:37 PM Ang: I’ll let Cap/Josie and Gordon know. I just wanted to be with close friends given circumstances, so not attending any of the rest of the parties. Join me at my place if you guys feel like it. Your birthday present will hold until your mood improves.


9:35:43 PM Ang: Remember, you are loved.


9:39:06 PM Tara: what are the given circumstances?


9:39:17 PM Ang: its not important


9:39:20 PM Ang: focus on yourself


9:39:39 PM Ang: i guess at the very least, it’s thanksgiving. find what you’re thankful for


9:40:04 PM Ang: this between a canadian who’s already had hers, and a JW who doesn’t have family nor know the celebration


9:40:12 PM Ang: but all irony aside, the point remains


9:42:36 PM Tara: i appreciate that you are saving my feelings, but what are you talking about? something happened with your family?


9:42:54 PM Ang: no not really that big of a deal.


9:42:57 PM Ang: Gordon just has a new girl


9:43:08 PM Ang: i’ve been waiting around for you to get done being mad so we could talk


9:43:22 PM Ang: or at least celebrate you


9:43:26 PM Tara: im not mad at you


9:43:32 PM Tara: im just mad at life right now


9:43:33 PM Ang: well i wouldn’t be able to tell


9:43:39 PM Tara: but im getting over it


9:44:04 PM Tara: this must be a super new thing with Gordon


9:44:17 PM Ang: he met her last week on sunday


9:44:21 PM Ang: and i cried all weekend


9:44:39 PM Ang: i guess that’s as new as it gets really


9:44:45 PM Ang: it doesn’t matter


9:44:51 PM Tara: of course it does


9:45:03 PM Ang: no. it doesn’t. because he doesn’t want me to even call him.


9:45:08 PM Tara: regardless of your romantic involvment, you two are very close


9:45:19 PM Tara: oh, you must have had a falling out i dont know about


9:45:21 PM Ang: well i’ve spent the weekend in silence


9:45:30 PM Ang: brian so concerned he flew down last night to see me


9:45:44 PM Ang: i just wish everyone would TALK to each other


9:45:55 PM Ang: silence and going off into dark corners makes for very sad very disconnected people


9:46:01 PM Ang: this isn’t doing anyone any good


9:46:39 PM Ang: Gordon took his time off these past several weeks, so when i call on friday so happy to announce that “i’m ready”


9:46:45 PM Ang: i realize he’s done


9:46:59 PM Ang: i didn’t just tell trammel about you


9:47:08 PM Ang: it was obvious from the conversation, it’s natural course


9:47:15 PM Ang: because he was talking about removing people on twitter


9:47:17 PM Ang: and sean’s post


9:47:38 PM Ang: and ironically now that tantek has no friends he’s decided to bury the hatchet and say we can have brunch


9:47:49 PM Ang: everyone needs to stop being so fickle


9:47:50 PM Ang: and get with it


9:47:56 PM Ang: all we have is each other


9:48:09 PM Ang: or at least, that’s the case for some of us


9:48:27 PM Ang: and maybe that’s a selfish viewpoint, but it sure wouldn’t hurt the world to imagine that we’re all all we’ve got


9:48:47 PM Tara: for me at least, sometimes i just need space. so i can collect my thoughts.


9:48:56 PM Ang: well i don’t know you well enough.


9:49:06 PM Ang: so i’ve spent the weekend believing i have lost all of my best friends


9:49:13 PM Ang: and feeling stupid for calling them “best” friends


9:49:16 PM Ang: except for brian


9:49:23 PM Ang: brian i can because i loved him for three years


9:49:27 PM Ang: but gone nonetheless


9:49:35 PM Ang: so i guess i’m hurt


9:49:47 PM Ang: don’t just drop off the planet like that


9:49:50 PM Ang: tell me what you need better


9:50:02 PM Ang: i made Gordon mad because i didn’t know how to walk away


9:50:11 PM Ang: and i was terrified of contacting you


9:50:13 PM Ang: but i needed someone


9:50:25 PM Ang: fuck it – life really sucks sometimes


9:50:30 PM Ang: and i’m not the kind of person to get all emotional


9:50:35 PM Ang: nor to ask for help


9:50:42 PM Ang: but it killed me


9:50:45 PM Ang: it’s your birthday kid


9:50:53 PM Ang: and all i could feel is your pain


9:50:56 PM Ang: and your silence


9:51:00 PM Ang: and Gordon’s anger


9:51:05 PM Ang: and my heart break


9:52:46 PM Tara: well i think it probably just came down to bad timing in so many ways. I have been very upset about a lot of things lately and they just got to the boiling point and I needed a break from the world. i wasn’t unavailable, im just not on twitter. im sorry you felt like you couldn’t talk to me….but I did respond to all your texts and such. most people have been contacting me by IM and text and email and Facebook.


9:53:15 PM Ang: you specifically sent me a text saying you were going off the grid for the weekend


9:53:25 PM Ang: when i recieved your decline for girls night i assume the weekend was extended


9:53:29 PM Tara: ya, for the weekend


9:53:31 PM Tara: no no


9:53:40 PM Tara: eva invited me and sean to dinner for my bday


9:53:54 PM Ang: after being so very harshly rebuked by the person that means the most in the world to me (and apparently doesn’t know/believe that) i wasn’t going to take a chance on pissing you off


9:54:00 PM Tara: there isn’t a comments thing when you decline an invite.


9:54:13 PM Ang: see this is why people need to talk


9:54:40 PM Ang: i’m not upset that you declined but rather had nothing else to go by as a sign of whether or not the tara whiteflag had been raised


9:54:57 PM Tara: sorry. i should have sent you a note to tell you why i couldn’t make it


9:55:21 PM Ang: no. don’t be sorry. just know that i’ve been so concerned. and hopeful that i didn’t make your “not true friends” list


9:55:32 PM Tara: ha. no


9:55:33 PM Ang: you and Gordon are all that i’ve built here


9:55:39 PM Ang: and half of that is gone


9:56:01 PM Ang: actually you both decided you wanted time and space on friday


9:56:06 PM Tara: Gordon isn’t gone, he is just figuring stuff out. you guys will have to figure out how you are going to be going forward if you are both dating others


9:56:17 PM Ang: he said he doesn’t want to date multiple people


9:56:20 PM Ang: he’s dating “her”


9:56:33 PM Ang: i pretty much went psycho


9:56:37 PM Ang: as evidenced by my blog


9:56:46 PM Ang: and all the IM’s, emails and DM’s i sent him privately


9:57:00 PM Ang: and showing up at 3am to proclaim i believed in love and would fight for him


9:57:13 PM Ang: he told me in no uncertain terms that it was over


9:57:21 PM Ang: he didn’t have feelings for me anymore


9:58:00 PM Ang: he fell for her on sunday, fucked me on wednesday (and left), and i realized that there was someone else on friday while nursing him to health


9:58:37 PM Ang: ironic. because i had finally by thursday cleared all the dating/sex karma away


9:58:41 PM Ang: i’m not sleeping with anyone


9:58:45 PM Ang: and even brian seems to get that


9:59:15 PM Tara: perhaps thats a good thing


9:59:20 PM Ang: what is?


9:59:22 PM Tara: start fresh


9:59:28 PM Tara: have a good break from boys and sex


9:59:37 PM Tara: go to italy


9:59:39 PM Ang: i am in love with Gordon


9:59:39 PM Tara: have fun


9:59:42 PM Tara: oh


9:59:43 PM Ang: there is no starting fresh


9:59:47 PM Tara: oh i see


9:59:58 PM Ang: i have been


10:00:03 PM Ang: i thought you knew this


10:00:15 PM Ang: i couldn’t dishonor him by being with him while i was trying to figure out fidelity


10:00:24 PM Tara: well i thought you were figuring it out still


10:00:25 PM Ang: being == dating him publically


10:00:28 PM Ang: so did i


10:00:34 PM Ang: see what not talking gets you?


10:00:40 PM Ang: i respect his space and he shuts me off


10:01:06 PM Ang: i was so excited to see him wednesday at Mighty


10:01:18 PM Ang: but i tried to stay “cool” because he hadn’t given me the “go ahead” sign


10:01:31 PM Ang: i don’t know


10:01:34 PM Ang: it doesn’t matter


10:01:42 PM Ang: i’m sorry


10:01:46 PM Ang: i didn’t mean to dump this on you


10:02:00 PM Ang: i guess i’m just spilling because you’re the only one who comes close to knowing how i feel


10:02:12 PM Ang: and even you don’t because i masked it all behind a brave face


10:02:16 PM Ang: casual


10:02:17 PM Ang: whatever


10:02:25 PM Ang: fear masked


10:02:29 PM Ang: i wasn’t good enough


10:02:30 PM Ang: now i am


10:02:35 PM Ang: but he doesn’t want me anymore


10:02:51 PM Ang: i can’t believe i missed the whole point


10:02:55 PM Ang: he loved me just as i was


10:03:45 PM Tara: Well, I know that you care for him deeply. That being said, there were aspects to Gordon that you were struggling with. Did you decide that they could be overlooked?


10:04:41 PM Ang: it took me a bit to grow used to loving Gordon, because he stood in stark contrast to what i’ve known, to what i most recently loved.


10:04:50 PM Ang: i feared that contrast and feared that it wasn’t “true”


10:04:56 PM Ang: that i was in love with an idea


10:05:02 PM Ang: or with how he treated me, but not him


10:05:13 PM Ang: i used excuses to keep a distance from him


10:05:21 PM Ang: things to help me rationalize why we shouldn’t be


10:05:32 PM Tara: i see


10:05:36 PM Ang: all cycling around that he is an amazing and thoughtful and kind person


10:05:40 PM Ang: who didn’t deserve a mess


10:05:49 PM Ang: i carried with me the baggage of brian


10:05:59 PM Ang: him constantly feeling as though i had or would cheat on him


10:06:02 PM Ang: i never did


10:06:04 PM Ang: i never would


10:06:07 PM Ang: but i started to believe that


10:06:25 PM Ang: that’s why when i met Gordon, and i actually knew at that time that i would be a free woman soon


10:06:33 PM Ang: (and might have already been i need to check the date)


10:06:37 PM Ang: i didn’t pursue


10:06:42 PM Ang: i didn’t start anything


10:06:49 PM Ang: i did give him my number, but i told him that i had a boyfriend


10:07:07 PM Ang: then in between i forgot about that guy with the amazing smile, and sparkly blue eyes


10:07:28 PM Ang: when i got here, and he started to pursue i was filled with so much fear


10:07:40 PM Ang: in seattle i had started my “get it out of my system” quest


10:07:49 PM Ang: to prove that sex doesn’t matter if it isn’t tied to love


10:07:53 PM Ang: and i’ve learned so much


10:08:00 PM Ang: and i proved to myself, without a doubt


10:08:07 PM Ang: that i only want to be with one person


10:08:12 PM Ang: that’s what i’ve always believed


10:08:24 PM Ang: but now i know


10:08:31 PM Ang: because i always wanted Gordon


10:08:37 PM Ang: i wouldn’t know this if it weren’t for him


10:08:52 PM Ang: its ironic that how we’ve come to be is the only course that seems to have cleared up that thought


10:09:02 PM Ang: but it’s also the course that’s caused me to lose him


10:09:10 PM Ang: what i’ve told him is different than what you’ve heard


10:09:17 PM Ang: because i’m terrified of being the fool


10:09:25 PM Ang: of


10:09:29 PM Ang: “falling in love too fast”


10:09:34 PM Ang: but then you guys happened


10:09:42 PM Ang: but he’d already stepped away from me


10:09:42 PM Tara: you started feeling this way before he told you that he is seeing someone?


10:09:50 PM Ang: it’s been this way for quite a while


10:09:58 PM Ang: the only point is that i was still trying to clean up my mess


10:10:02 PM Ang: i’ve talked to every boy


10:10:08 PM Ang: spent time alone


10:10:13 PM Ang: thought about what i really want


10:10:24 PM Ang: i respected a “fresh start” because that’s what i really wanted too


10:10:30 PM Ang: i don’t know how he never viewed me as whore


10:10:41 PM Ang: but i don’t want the father of my children to think of their mother that way


10:10:45 PM Ang: you know?


10:10:48 PM Ang: i wanted to be good enough


10:10:57 PM Ang: i wanted to be “pure”


10:11:31 PM Ang: Gordon and i talked about portions of this, but i didn’t really figure it out clearly until after this night that the two of us layed on his floor and i had a crazy reaction


10:11:39 PM Ang: and seeing stephen helped


10:11:47 PM Ang: and i needed to have the end with brian


10:11:52 PM Ang: the end being brian really getting it


10:11:58 PM Ang: which i don’t think he did until last night


10:12:12 PM Ang: last night he hugged me because my heart was broken for someone else


10:12:19 PM Ang: i told him all of this stuff


10:12:27 PM Ang: about how much i carried with me from our relationship


10:12:30 PM Ang: and how it’s led me here


10:12:45 PM Tara: wow


10:12:51 PM Ang: i feel like i failed though


10:12:54 PM Tara: that is quite the spiritual journey


10:12:57 PM Ang: Gordon waited so long


10:13:04 PM Ang: i had no idea he wouldn’t make the last week


10:13:11 PM Ang: i thought we had an understanding


10:13:22 PM Ang: that after brian came then i would be ready


10:13:35 PM Ang: i felt like i owed brian a weekend to really understand


10:13:44 PM Ang: respect for the length of our relationship


10:14:00 PM Ang: i didn’t want to lose our friendship because he wouldn’t get it all the way from seattle


10:14:05 PM Ang: and never see him again because of his pride


10:14:09 PM Ang: he was such a dick


10:14:13 PM Ang: and i took a week to recover


10:14:19 PM Ang: but now even he’s good


10:14:23 PM Ang: but it’s all too late


10:14:34 PM Ang: what’s worse is that i have no plans


10:14:46 PM Ang: i literally made no plans for anything because i was going to be with Gordon


10:15:09 PM Ang: i’m here for thanksgiving because he wanted us to stay in town for Tramsgiving


10:15:25 PM Ang: and Tram is doing the off the grid thing i imagine – no Tramsgiving


10:15:34 PM Ang: we were supposed to be in NC


10:15:37 PM Ang: him meeting my sister


10:15:43 PM Ang: and my nieces


10:15:46 PM Ang: which kills me


10:15:49 PM Ang: because he wants kids


10:15:56 PM Ang: and i wanted him to see my family


10:16:07 PM Ang: the other night i even told him about our children


10:16:10 PM Ang: they are in rosetta stone


10:16:17 PM Ang: two blonde kids


10:16:20 PM Ang: a boy and a girl


10:16:23 PM Ang: i know i sound crazy


10:16:35 PM Ang: but that was me


10:16:39 PM Ang: and now i’m so lost


10:16:44 PM Ang: i don’t even know how to understand all this


10:16:56 PM Ang: i told you about asking him to move in, didn’t i?


10:17:01 PM Tara: no


10:17:03 PM Ang: i did


10:17:06 PM Ang: several weeks ago


10:17:13 PM Tara: oh wow


10:17:19 PM Tara: what did he say?


10:17:24 PM Ang: he was shocked


10:17:28 PM Ang: i didn’t go about it the best way


10:17:32 PM Ang: i was way too practical


10:17:33 PM Ang: again me


10:17:35 PM Ang: you know


10:17:45 PM Ang: easier to reason out why it’s a good idea


10:17:48 PM Ang: finanically and stuff


10:17:57 PM Ang: than to be able to grapple with the big hugeness of the step


10:18:01 PM Ang: i’ve never lived with anyone


10:18:07 PM Ang: i’ve dated several people for 3+ years


10:18:10 PM Ang: and never even considered it


10:18:18 PM Ang: but i love being next to him


10:18:46 PM Ang: we had some tough times in the past couple months while we essentially lived together


10:18:52 PM Ang: but nothing that we couldn’t/didn’t learn from


10:18:56 PM Ang: or at least i know the mistake


10:18:57 PM Ang: s


10:19:06 PM Ang: i need to have a car so i can get things done on the weekend


10:19:10 PM Ang: while he likes to do nothing on the weekend


10:19:29 PM Ang: and he loves to watch his “violence” while i don’t really like seeing it


10:19:49 PM Ang: and because i didn’t have the car usually i couldn’t get away as much


10:19:57 PM Ang: so we spent a bit more time together than we should have


10:20:14 PM Ang: but still, i now know i could be stuck on an island with him the rest of my life and not eat him out of annoyance


10:20:22 PM Ang: 🙂


10:20:25 PM Ang: that was a joke


10:20:33 PM Tara: haha


10:20:33 PM Ang: i’m feeling better


10:20:37 PM Ang: some what


10:20:43 PM Ang: the hardest part is that i asked him one question


10:20:48 PM Ang: i mean i asked him a million


10:20:53 PM Ang: but i asked only one that really mattered


10:21:09 PM Ang: i asked him if he knew that i *was* going to wrap him in my love on (this past) friday


10:21:11 PM Ang: he said no


10:21:31 PM Ang: i had the whole weekend planned, daydream style in my head


10:21:50 PM Ang: we don’t make big concrete plans, but the general idea is a common one that we’ve had for all these weekends together


10:21:56 PM Ang: movie and popcorn on the couch


10:22:02 PM Ang: him and homework, me and server migration


10:22:14 PM Ang: making love on the couch, the chair and finally making it up to the bed


10:22:16 PM Ang: again another routine


10:22:21 PM Ang: and how i’ve missed that!!!!!!


10:22:32 PM Ang: and sunday i’d go do my thing, and he’d veg


10:22:38 PM Ang: and then i’d come back and whatever


10:22:54 PM Ang: and thanksgiving – such a wonderful coming out party


10:22:58 PM Ang: finally to be the girl on his arm


10:23:12 PM Ang: to be able to look at him and not have to mask the adoration in my eyes


10:23:27 PM Ang: to be able to snuggle up when the other couples got close


10:23:42 PM Ang: my birthday – i wanted just one present – him. to celebrate us.


10:23:48 PM Tara: that would have been nice to see


10:23:57 PM Ang: december 6th would be 6 months from when this started


10:24:03 PM Tara: he just said flat out no?


10:24:07 PM Ang: yup


10:24:15 PM Ang: he wouldn’t even open up his heart to me


10:24:19 PM Ang: he held so stiff


10:24:26 PM Ang: his eyes were cold


10:24:33 PM Ang: he resisted me with everything he had


10:24:41 PM Ang: finally at almost 5am he relented


10:24:46 PM Ang: the softness returned


10:24:51 PM Ang: but i think it was more pity than anything


10:25:00 PM Ang: he’s turned his heart cold to me


10:25:39 PM Ang: i think that’s pretty much all there is to tell


10:25:47 PM Ang: except that i was also ready to ask about going to christmas with him


10:25:56 PM Ang: he had taken the invitiation back a long time ago


10:26:04 PM Ang: (i was horrified – to think he’d bring the whore home?!)


10:26:09 PM Ang: but i was going to ask


10:26:29 PM Ang: and if he wanted to be home with family and stuff alone, then i was going to go home to heather i think


10:26:50 PM Ang: (somewhere nuetral, “home” is hard since my mom and all)


10:27:04 PM Ang: but he was only going to be gone a short time anyway


10:27:11 PM Ang: and to think! to celebrate new years!


10:27:25 PM Ang: i also had wanted him to go home with me for tday


10:27:32 PM Ang: but he kept wanting to stay here for tramsgiving


10:27:38 PM Ang: and i didn’t want to take that away from him


10:27:42 PM Ang: i figured there was plenty of time


10:27:50 PM Ang: the worst has been i’ve avoided my sister


10:27:56 PM Ang: she and mackenzie keep asking about Gordon


10:28:12 PM Ang: (mackenzie is my neice who he would talk with on skype while i was in NC)


10:28:49 PM Ang: ok


10:28:51 PM Ang: well i think i’m done


10:28:54 PM Ang: that’s all there is to tell


10:29:00 PM Ang: my brain is now empty


10:29:02 PM Tara: wait


10:29:05 PM Tara: who is the girl?


10:29:08 PM Ang: i have no idea


10:29:13 PM Ang: but [redacted] thinks it’s [redacted]


10:29:21 PM Ang: because he said that it “knew” on sunday


10:29:24 PM Ang: he hung out with a girl


10:29:26 PM Tara: what?


10:29:29 PM Ang: and she was so easy to hang out with


10:29:29 PM Tara: [redacted]


10:29:30 PM Ang: yeah


10:29:31 PM Ang: i know


10:29:32 PM Tara: what?


10:29:35 PM Tara: she is with [redacted]


10:29:44 PM Ang: but sunday was the night that [redacted] walked with Gordon from [redacted’s] place to Gordons


10:29:54 PM Ang: and they hung out and watched tv and ate dinner


10:30:00 PM Ang: which is exactly what Gordon said


10:30:03 PM Ang: he just didn’t say who


10:30:09 PM Ang: and “she” is on the east coast


10:30:18 PM Ang: and only has three days off for christmas


10:30:24 PM Tara: that seems crazy


10:30:24 PM Ang: because i asked if he invited her to xmas


10:30:28 PM Ang: it is crazy


10:30:30 PM Tara: [redacted] said he has been chasing her for a year


10:30:39 PM Tara: and was so excited to be dating her


10:30:40 PM Ang: but knowing that his girl is unlikely doesn’t make me feel better


10:30:42 PM Tara: he was gushing about her


10:30:46 PM Ang: it’s not about how he feels about her


10:30:50 PM Ang: it’s about how he feels about me


10:30:52 PM Ang: that he gave up


10:30:56 PM Ang: and didn’t give a shit


10:31:01 PM Ang: yeah, [redacted] doesn’t know


10:31:02 PM Tara: of course he cares


10:31:03 PM Ang: if it is her


10:31:08 PM Ang: and [redacted] is a player


10:31:12 PM Ang: according to [redacted]


10:31:21 PM Ang: and would have no interest in Gordon


10:31:25 PM Ang: besides “liking” him


10:31:32 PM Ang: a personality like yours and mine


10:31:40 PM Ang: where people think you like them


10:31:44 PM Ang: but you’re just being you


10:31:53 PM Ang: i don’t hold out hope it’s her


10:31:59 PM Tara: but here’s the thing, Gordon and you went thru ups and downs. and he waited for you and adores you. he can’t just turn that off. no one can


10:32:00 PM Ang: because i don’t want to even get wrapped up in that


10:32:27 PM Tara: so maybe he sees somethign else to pay attention to b/c he just needed a break


10:32:41 PM Tara: and maybe it was hard on him when Brian was here.


10:32:47 PM Tara: i mean Brian did stay at your place


10:32:57 PM Tara: and i have no idea about any of this…just guessing. i never talked to him about it


10:33:23 PM Tara: sean even said that it must have been awkward for Gordon to be at your party and see Brian’s stuff all in your room


10:33:40 PM Tara: im not saying this to make you feel bad, just trying to understand where Gordon is at


10:33:52 PM Tara: he’s probably hurt. maybe doesn’t totally trust that you really want just him


10:34:02 PM Ang: i really didn’t realize how people would view that until several people asked (separately) where brian was staying


10:34:10 PM Ang: yeah, but i’ve fucked up big


10:34:25 PM Ang: he said that all of this has just made him want to run essentially


10:34:29 PM Ang: that i wasn’t helping


10:34:38 PM Ang: he was so cold


10:34:42 PM Ang: not cold like other people


10:34:45 PM Ang: but cold for him


10:35:05 PM Tara: i dont know him well enough to tell you what to do about this


10:35:11 PM Ang: please don’t take this the wrong way, but i even threatened to rape him


10:35:15 PM Tara: i dont know if you should give him space, or keep reminding him how you feel


10:35:26 PM Ang: and he said he would fight me


10:35:32 PM Ang: and i said i would never do that to someone


10:35:44 PM Ang: i left my keys on the stairs


10:35:52 PM Ang: because i knew i couldn’t be trusted to stay away


10:35:56 PM Ang: i have these note cards


10:36:02 PM Ang: sticky pad with designs on each page


10:36:06 PM Ang: think hallmark cutiesy


10:36:15 PM Ang: and i thought of putting them on his door


10:36:20 PM Ang: one next to another


10:36:23 PM Ang: but upside down


10:36:29 PM Ang: just to be funny/symbolic


10:36:37 PM Ang: then i thought he’d think i was crazy


10:36:45 PM Ang: i had been busy dreaming up “new” things for us


10:36:53 PM Ang: because i have “used” so many experiences with other people


10:37:01 PM Ang: i guess that’s sort of off subject


10:37:06 PM Ang: but just more of how i’d been planning


10:37:14 PM Ang: i couldn’t wait


10:37:25 PM Ang: and it didn’t really hit me until after the talk with aj


10:37:34 PM Ang: when i was free from every guy and all expectations


10:38:00 PM Ang: and while i thought i totally knew how i felt this weekend


10:38:16 PM Ang: it wasn’t until waking up next to brian and wanting him (Gordon) so bad


10:38:28 PM Ang: realizing that he’d completely erradicated all feeling for brian


10:38:47 PM Ang: it was so powerful


10:38:52 PM Ang: and brian knew all of this too


10:39:05 PM Ang: i even had it out with the guy that hurt Gordon the most


10:39:10 PM Tara: well at least you know you are over Brian


10:39:10 PM Ang: it’s on my blog what happened there


10:39:14 PM Tara: ok ill read it


10:39:14 PM Ang: i knew before


10:39:20 PM Ang: i just had to do it gracefully


10:39:24 PM Tara: i see


10:39:32 PM Tara: so what are you going to do?


10:39:35 PM Ang: wait


10:39:56 PM Ang: for the past few days it really sucked because Gordon came immediately on wednesday (when he entered)


10:40:01 PM Ang: and it left me with a huge whole


10:40:05 PM Ang: wanting, you know


10:40:11 PM Ang: and now that that’s subsided


10:40:14 PM Ang: i can wait


10:40:23 PM Ang: but that fucked with my head so much


10:40:28 PM Ang: hence the rape comment


10:40:29 PM Ang: i think


10:40:30 PM Ang: i don’t know


10:40:38 PM Ang: i feel bad about that


10:41:05 PM Ang: i guess i just felt that he’d let me in to his heart, that i could break through his wall if he’d lose those defenses


10:41:13 PM Ang: my sadness moment


10:41:19 PM Ang: to try to use sex to get the guy


10:41:34 PM Ang: i’m so embarrassed


10:41:39 PM Ang: please don’t tell anyone that


10:41:46 PM Ang: but i feel so bad so much i’ve kept from you


10:41:53 PM Ang: but i don’t know how to tell the truth


10:42:07 PM Ang: the truth, in as much as the underlying honesty of feelings


10:42:12 PM Ang: so much of it i’m sorting out as i go


10:42:21 PM Ang: i can figure out other people so easy


10:42:27 PM Ang: but i take longer with myself


10:42:33 PM Ang: i don’t mean to have mislead you along the way


10:42:38 PM Ang: about how i feel about him


10:42:51 PM Ang: i was honestly mad when you suggested (we were walking one day) that i leave him alone


10:43:04 PM Ang: he was when we were talking about the changes i was watching him make and how i liked all of them


10:43:22 PM Ang: i’m sorry, i must be tiring you


10:43:40 PM Ang: please, be honored that i’ve held all of this for you


10:43:48 PM Ang: you’ve really become a friend for me


10:44:01 PM Ang: i’m not sure i know how to really show that stuff


10:44:17 PM Ang: because my friends were all willing to drop me as soon as I was no longer a JW


10:44:26 PM Ang: and its taken alot to redefine what it means


10:45:36 PM Tara: well, i understand that. im trying to figure out the whole friend thing too. its been very hard for me but i think im figuring it out


10:46:07 PM Tara: like i said. i was never mad at you. it was just timing. even if the trammell thing didn’t happen, i still would have taken a break


10:46:20 PM Tara: but i should have said to you that despite my off the grid status, i am still available if you need me


10:46:28 PM Tara: friends needing me trumps being off the grid


10:46:37 PM Ang: i think that it’s all okay


10:46:44 PM Ang: i might have hidden all of what i felt


10:46:50 PM Ang: if you’d have been available


10:46:56 PM Ang: done the “fuck it” kind of thing


10:47:03 PM Ang: i’ve never cried so much before


10:47:11 PM Ang: i cried all day friday, and through saturday


10:47:22 PM Ang: i’m not done, but it’s just sporadic


10:47:31 PM Ang: like when i got home from shopping


10:47:39 PM Ang: shopping i realized i don’t have him to buy for


10:47:45 PM Ang: it’s just a shock


10:47:52 PM Ang: i thought we were us still


10:47:59 PM Ang: and we were just taking time so we could start fresh


10:48:02 PM Ang: and there was a moment


10:48:09 PM Ang: he asked me to get togetehr


10:48:35 PM Ang: i thought we were going to have a “serious” conversation


10:48:40 PM Ang: and i asked him to do it that night


10:48:46 PM Ang: (so i wouldn’t die waiting)


10:48:52 PM Ang: and he met me, we went to Little Star


10:48:57 PM Ang: I didn’t realize it was a date


10:49:11 PM Ang: he made a comment about my not having my period “boding well” for his getting laid


10:49:16 PM Ang: and i realized i was hurt


10:49:24 PM Ang: because thats a reference to sex


10:49:26 PM Ang: not making love


10:49:39 PM Ang: and then he mentioned or clarified about the date somewhere in conversation


10:49:48 PM Ang: and then i realized how horrible and awkard a date it was


10:49:56 PM Ang: because i was waiting for the shoe to drop


10:50:02 PM Ang: and he was evaluating what it’s like to date me


10:50:05 PM Ang: i failed that date


10:50:13 PM Ang: we went back to my house and i was morose


10:50:18 PM Ang: it really did feel dead


10:50:19 PM Ang: different


10:50:23 PM Ang: his lips were lifeless


10:50:26 PM Ang: and parched


10:50:37 PM Ang: we stared at each other heads side-by-side on the couch


10:50:41 PM Ang: i was dying inside


10:50:45 PM Ang: but told myself that it was good


10:50:51 PM Ang: that we really could start fresh then


10:50:55 PM Ang: and i waited


10:51:07 PM Ang: i waited for him to call, for us to have a real date


10:51:38 PM Ang: and more than anything i figured he was waiting because the timeline was supposed to go AFTER the housewarming weekend when i made sure brian had “closure”


10:51:53 PM Tara: i see


10:52:04 PM Ang: i don’t remember what the point wa


10:52:06 PM Ang: was


10:52:34 PM Tara: you were just saying that you had a lot of emotions over the weekend and really thought about things and you may not have been prepared to share with me then like you are now


10:52:41 PM Ang: oh


10:52:47 PM Ang: well to leave on a good note


10:52:55 PM Ang: so maybe you will be happy somewhat


10:53:21 PM Ang: the moment i knew that he was “the one” — that there was truly and absolutely no reservation at all that i wanted to be with that man and no one else


10:53:34 PM Ang: it was when you and sean were saying goodbye to Brian


10:53:39 PM Ang: and he and i were in the kitchen


10:53:51 PM Ang: he gave me his patented Gordon hug


10:53:58 PM Ang: that i imagine has a special thing in it for just me


10:54:07 PM Ang: but the one where he picks you up off your feet


10:54:14 PM Ang: (i like watching him hug ali like that)


10:54:22 PM Ang: and he kissed me quickly a couple of times


10:54:27 PM Ang: i wish i had been more responsive


10:54:40 PM Ang: but i didn’t want our “first” moment together to be there


10:54:46 PM Ang: in the midst of brian being an ass


10:54:53 PM Ang: and just so brief before he had to go


10:55:02 PM Ang: that night i thought about going over to Gordons house


10:55:04 PM Ang: surprising him


10:55:10 PM Ang: sleeping next to him


10:55:17 PM Ang: i’d missed him so bad for so long at that point


10:55:26 PM Ang: it doesn’t feel natural without him by my side


10:55:40 PM Ang: but i make everything happen with us


10:55:45 PM Ang: i’ve controlled everything


10:55:51 PM Ang: and i didn’t want to take that away from him


10:55:53 PM Ang: his choice


10:55:57 PM Ang: to tell me when he was ready


10:56:01 PM Ang: and the “fresh start” was done


10:56:11 PM Ang: if i had


10:56:16 PM Ang: we wouldn’t be having this conversation


10:56:33 PM Tara: man, i really hope he gives you guys a chance


10:57:13 PM Ang: me too


10:57:27 PM Ang: i nearly threw up the night i bought the ticket to europe


10:57:40 PM Ang: i hope that that doesn’t ruin all chance


10:57:44 PM Ang: the final straw


10:57:54 PM Ang: but i have to go away


10:58:02 PM Ang: i can’t respect his wishes sitting here


10:58:05 PM Ang: i need to clear my head


10:58:11 PM Ang: because if this is really over


10:58:16 PM Ang: i really feel like i have nothing


10:58:23 PM Ang: and you know,


10:58:26 PM Ang: i don’t regret that


10:58:38 PM Ang: i put my all into being ready for this relationship


10:58:51 PM Ang: i haven’t built a life, because it was going to be us building our life togehter


10:59:04 PM Ang: but if it isn’t to be i’ve got a lot of figuring out what i’m going to do


10:59:31 PM Ang: btw, i want you to know


10:59:35 PM Ang: i’ve never been like this before


10:59:45 PM Ang: i think it comes from that every relationship has ended naturally


10:59:53 PM Ang: of natural evolution of life and romance and love


11:00:11 PM Ang: its easy to come to terms with those things


11:00:20 PM Ang: this is just different


11:00:26 PM Ang: but i guess it’s good to have experienced it


11:00:32 PM Ang: nonetheless, let me shut up


11:00:35 PM Ang: thanks for listening


11:00:52 PM Ang: and thanks for holding the truth about my love


11:01:09 PM Ang: i wish i could tell the world


11:01:14 PM Ang: but they just wouldn’t understand 🙂


11:01:56 PM Tara: well i think they would understand that you love someone. And that you needed time to let go of a past love before committing to a new one


11:02:06 PM Tara: that you needed a break in between


11:02:16 PM Tara: but that break included Gordon and i think thats when it got fuzzy


11:02:44 PM Ang: yeah, its strange


11:02:52 PM Ang: i don’t know whether to be happy that i did have at least that with him


11:03:01 PM Ang: or wish that it had never happened so it could be different


11:03:10 PM Ang: i’ve always believed in things as they are


11:03:21 PM Ang: but i just might have found the second regret in my life


11:03:38 PM Ang: well, good night my love


11:03:40 PM Ang: sweet dreams


11:03:47 PM Ang: i am excited to give you your present


11:03:52 PM Ang: but only when you feel better


11:03:58 PM Ang: you have made me happy


11:04:03 PM Ang: that i could share my love/emotion with you


11:04:10 PM Ang: please carry that happiness to bed with you


11:04:16 PM Ang: i know that everything will work out


11:04:24 PM Ang: i just don’t have much faith in understanding that right now


11:04:34 PM Ang: but i guess that’s the part that friends are for 🙂


11:04:43 PM Ang: sweet sweet dreams


11:04:47 PM Ang: and love that boy of yors


11:04:48 PM Ang: yours


11:05:02 PM Tara: ok. i hope you can get some sleep. im glad you felt you could share with me.


11:05:18 PM Tara: we can chat more tomorrow about turkey day plans and try to coordinate something


11:05:33 PM Ang: good night


11:05:35 PM Tara: nite!


11:05:36 PM Ang: xoxo


11:05:37 PM Tara: xox

Sep 19, 2007 - Nibbles    No Comments

“we’re going to give it a go”

Angela [10:20 PM]:
hopefully that is the end of insecurity. and as brian told you “we’re giving it a go”

Amy [10:21 PM]:
i actually haven’t spoken with brian yet but thats what i assumed

Angela [10:22 PM]:
uh, are you sure?
i mean
brian didn’t call you?

I guess someone is still one foot out. How the hell am I supposed to feel secure when I can’t even trust things he voluntarily tells me?

Sep 6, 2007 - Nibbles    No Comments


This is the same crushing feeling that broke me in Italy. Knowing that you don’t need me. I miss you and desire you and you’re don’t even know. You replace me with friends and laughter and life. I sit and cry.

That night I realized why you wouldn’t want me. You were right. I was boring. Lifeless. Jealous. A loser with no confidence and no self-esteem. I’m not put together, I don’t have a dazzling smile.

You have plans, and I’m hanging onto a sad friendship that would be better off dead. Nobody wants me. And I understand why. I’m sad, pathetic, and worthless. Brad had it right in the beginning. He was a loser, but I was lower.

I’m pathetic. Dreams are shattered and reality is a darker shade of grey than the Seattle sky.

Oh look at how she listens
She says nothing of what she thinks
She just goes stumbling through her memories
Staring out on to Grey Street

She thinks, “Hey,
How did I come to this?
I dream myself a thousand times around the world,
But I can’t get out of this place”

There’s an emptiness inside her
And she’d do anything to fill it in
But all the colors mix together – to grey
And it breaks her heart

How she wishes it was different
She prays to God most every night
And though she swears it doesn’t listen
There’s still a hope in her it might

She says, “I pray
But they fall on deaf ears,
Am I supposed to take it on myself?
To get out of this place”

There’s loneliness inside her
And she’d do anything to fill it in
And though it’s red blood bleeding from her now
It feels like cold blue ice in her heart
When all the colors mix together – to grey
And it breaks her heart

There’s a stranger speaks outside her door
Says take what you can from your dreams
Make them as real as anything
It’d take the work out of the courage

But she says, “Please
There’s a crazy man that’s creeping outside my door,
I live on the corner of Grey Street and the end of the world”

There’s an emptiness inside her
And she’d do anything to fill it in
And though it’s red blood bleeding from her now
It’s more like cold blue ice in her heart
She feels like kicking out all the windows
And setting fire to this life
She could change everything about her using colors bold and bright
But all the colors mix together – to grey
And it breaks her heart
It breaks her heart
To grey

Aug 26, 2007 - Nibbles    No Comments


well that really sucks. keller tells brian i’ve posted photos (which when i posted i knew he’d know immediately) but in a negative light. brian tells me tonight and my first reaction was a little bit of surprise because i had already changed the album title, details, and basically the overall tone. i had originally posted them as a reaction to the hurt and because people who thought i was a cheater in rome. anyone can look at those photos and imagine a little more level playing field. at the very least it leveled my heart.

in any case, i knew last week that keller was not my friend. i IM’ed him and emailed him, and he didn’t respond. no, instead he emailed brian and asked for my ticket. charlie needed one. why not ditch the girl? would brian have uninvited me if it weren’t for keller? i guess i’ll never know because brian’s so fucked in the head he couldn’t tell the truth one way or another. but i’ll always believe we would have gone together… because what he did instead is low class.

what’s even worse is the conversation that it motivated. thanks keller. and you didn’t even use the ticket. 10 years from now i will remember that. you won’t be in my wedding. you did nothing to help us, you were a naysayer.

so in the end – yeah, i shouldn’t have sent the email, because i already knew that keller wasn’t my friend. a real friend would have helped brian figure out what he really wants, how he really feels, not helping him follow some woman hater script. a real friend would have checked on me to see how i was doing. a real friend would have responded to my IM & email even if to say “I don’t know (what the plan with the show is)”. a real friend would have seen the photos and emailed me to say, “hey, are you sure you wanna do that because people might think…” But, no, Keller wasn’t a real friend. Keller isn’t a real friend.

Nothing like a relationship in the lurch to determine who is and isn’t.

Oh – and I’m not going to be in a relationship where it can’t be completely open and honest. What I did in emailing Keller violated that trust, but it can and will be earned back. There’s a reason the law has protection for married couples.

Aug 23, 2007 - Nibbles    No Comments

lemonade and rachel

Starting a new post with my positive happy thoughts…

My lemonade is yummy, and as long as there are no crossing paths I’m happy I stopped to get it.

And Rachel called back just as I was walking in to meet Jeremy. Things didn’t go as well as she hoped with Giuseppe. We chatted for a moment and she was thrilled with the idea of having me come visit. I now just need to find a ticket for cheap enough. I used to go to the city all the time when I was single. I wish there was some way to figure out how many times I went in those couple of years. (Couple… was it only two?) Last I recall I had gone nine times, but that was a long time ago. In any case, it’ll be nice to be with her. She knows exactly how I feel about Brian. She was the last person to see me in love.

Now all I need to do is find a ticket.

Aug 23, 2007 - Nibbles    No Comments

fremont and belltown

i had lunch with Jeremy at this barbeque place that was really quite good in Pioneer Square. It was on First and might be called Longhorn or something. They serve sweet tea, which was a perk. Anyway I was then headed to Dad Watson’s which was my original intention after my violin lesson, before getting sidetracked to have lunch with Jeremy. I was crusing down First and then passed Cherry Street. Earlier I had considered my old haunt, Uptown Espresso, but I just wasn’t in the mood for coffee… I love the tea at Dad Watson’s. But lemonade, now that’s a whole ‘nother thing! I circled the block looking for parking (and in a split moment when making the decision realized that I wasn’t quite sure how to get to Fremont from Belltown, I always come the opposite route). I circle all the way around back to a spot in front of the church. Then I start to feel bad. As I pay for my parking I start to feel bad…

Am I on his turf. Is it uncomfortable to be so close? What if he drives right by here? I reason that it’s easier to get to Capital Hill later for the show. It’s easier to park here. I can’t believe I’m going through these thoughts. I can’t believe I can’t go where I want in this city. But maybe that’s the point. Maybe it’s not my city, maybe it’s his. I used to hang out in Belltown quite a bit before we met. Top Pot, Uptown, Wasabi, Shorties (yuck!), The Waterfront, The Edgewater bar… but somehow now I feel uncomfortable and I’m sitting here thinking of leaving. Cherry Street is on the shady side of the street anyway. It’s kind of cold here. Maybe I’ll get my 2 hour meters worth out of it and then run.

Is it any wonder I can’t stand the thought of staying if we’re not together. Who’d get what neighborhoods in the breakup? I claim dibs on Fremont but, he’s had a longer claim than I have even if I spend more time there lately. UW is obviously mine with no debate. Cap Hill would be mine. But I guess I’d have to give up Belltown. Sorry – I’d put up a fight for that. But not today, it’s too windy and cold.

Damn it. I was in a great mood too. I should have turned off 1st in Pioneer Square. I never should have driven through here. And I shouldn’t be sitting here now. I think I’d have a heart attack if he wandered across me. Geez, this is messed up isn’t it?

Aug 23, 2007 - Nibbles    No Comments


it’s a shame that this was written because he had given me some horrible news and i was locked, crying in the bathroom. but maybe if you can get past the first line then you can see why i believed in us.


Never in my life have I ever been so ashamed. Truly, honestly, I have no idea what happened – but I can promise to you it meant nothing. For the first time in my entire life I finally have a treasure who has entered into it – someone with energy, character, charisma, intelligence, and more. The list of your positive traits goes on and on, but more importantly to me is that you make me a better person, make me strive to be a better person, to be the best person I can possibly be for you. I do this because I am in love with. I don’t love you – it is so much deeper, I can honestly say I am in love with you – when I go to sleep I think of you. When I’m at work and stressed, I think of you, when I’m lonely I wish I was with you – there is nothing more that I want in my life then you – you are the end all and the be – my whole perspective on everything has changed. I look at going out with friends differently, I look at other couples differently because I wonder if what they have is as wonderful as what I have with you – you are so special it is amazing. I look at other women differently – I think about them in terms of what you would say… You are the tops, the most beautiful, most amazing, most caring, most adoring person a guy could have in his life. I am blessed to have you in my life – I am the happiest I have been in many many years.

I had to sit down and write this because I didn’t know what to do – my mind is spinning uncontrollably right now – -the fact I hurt you for no reason, for no explanation and for NO meaning – that kills me inside, I want it to go away, I would do anything. The fact you are in there right now, not wanting to be with me when all I want to do is hold the person who I love and cherish from the bottom of my heart, with every ounce and ability I have inside me right now, to grovel on my knees to let you feel how much I love you – you can feel it – you can see it – you know it – it emanates from me – it consumes me – and I LOVE IT.

Aug 23, 2007 - Nibbles    No Comments

sleeping with the enemy

it’s funny how when you’re in the groggy state of sleep that you’re trying to shake off that it seems things get shaken around a bit in your head and pieces fall together to form interesting thoughts… sometimes they’re odd images of nonsense, and sometimes it’s shocking what you come up with.

since the wilco show sami and keller have been doing wall-to-wall flirting which shows up on my news feed. i haven’t had time to figure out how to filter some of this stuff away. i also know that tim sneath has a green card and jeff sandquist is going to fry’s. i guess that is why sami was in my mind. and then i thought about keller knowing and him not knowing that sami doesn’t know…

then i realized wait a minute.

he slept with her best friend.
sami == justin

but while justin claims it didn’t happen or doesn’t remember (therefore it wasn’t intentional) and i don’t know what the fuck happened and how…

they did it knowing, intentionally and on going.

funny how i forget the worst things about brian growing up. i remember the incident with the lawsuit in school (which wasn’t a him thing) but i forget that in the grand scheme of things he’d better drop it.

just to make sure i’m not still groggy and missing something, i’m going to go through this to be sure.

hannah and he were broken up.
so where we
but was it different?
no, she loved him and thought they were just broken up for distance sake

  • proof points: brian flew her out to Seattle at least once on his dime. he hid me from her long after we’d been seeing each other. he knew better than to bring sami anyway around, but not enough about women’s intuition than to hide the flowers.

they still hooked up after and during this going on, he was sleeping with her and her best friend
differences: brian did it knowingly, ongoing, and would never have told her. be based not telling her on his perspective of the relationship knowing that wasn’t the shared truth.

when this first happened, he said something about telling hannah because she would probably enjoy it. he’s right. in her eyes justice was served.

i have no heart to make conclusions. i’m just happy to know that justin claims it didn’t happen or has absolutely no memory of it. and i’m not much better. but we were broken up, he broke up with me, and it didn’t happen like brian did with sami. i’m not like that. i may not be redeemed, but i’m certainly not worse than him.

and i would never wish any of brian’s past doings on himself. i don’t think he’s strong enough to survive what he’s done to others. i would rather protect him and see him be a better person. that was the best statement he’s every made about me, that he’s a better person with me.