Browsing "Nibbles"
Aug 22, 2007 - Nibbles    No Comments


you know i haven’t been proud of how i’ve been feeling lately. so lost, so desparate, so angry, so abandoned, so unloved. most of all i haven’t been proud of how felt like it wasn’t worth living if brian had given up on me. on us.

but the end of that last post shocks me. i can’t believe what i wrote. sure, janice takes the week of the week i have something to start talking about! it made me think of how much no one really knows. of the fear i used to live with. how i used to hate that there weren’t any bruises. it wasn’t bad enough for anyone to help, but enough to destroy me. i’ve known for a long time that justin reminded me of brad. that attitude.

i feel like it’s the worst idea to write this, but i wish that i could have vengence. i couldn’t comprehend what was going on then, but i can now. why did i shrink back in fear? i could have stopped it. i could have destroyed him. and it’s funny, what brad did to me doesn’t seem as bad. i’d prefer that to what justin did. brad only did that to me once.

i guess i don’t spend alot of time thinking back (haha, i just broke from my tears that were about to start when i realized that brian hates when people write “a lot” as “alot”. god i love him. i’ve tried so hard to fix that error after he casually mentioned it once!)

what was my point? i guess that i don’t spend a lot [sic] of time thinking back because it’s so bad. it’s a nightmare i lived. but i don’t know that i learned a grander lesson from it. sure i don’t think i’ll ever let a guy threaten me physically anymore, but that’s not because i hit back, it’s because i won’t get into that situation. i’ll walk away. fact is i’m scared shitless of being fucked up by some guy. of finally getting the shit kicked out of me the way i’ve always feared. but you can’t always protect yourself from getting into the situation. i could get mugged, and i guess i would just let it happen. i think that’s different, but still. point is, i walked right into this mess thinking i was safe. and when it came down to it i just let it happen to me. i’m just like my mother. i remember her telling me when i was young that she just let it happen because it was easy than fighting back and arguing with her brother over whether or not his friend just raped her. i’m not better than my mother.

i think i might find a self defense class. but what i really want is the ability to devastate some mans ability to ever think of having children the next time someone comes anywhere near crossing the line. i fucking dare them. but see that’s just how it works. you have to be sure he’s warranted it, because you can’t take it back. it reminds me of what my dad told matthew once when matt was pissed. he said “hit me. but make it count, kid. you’d better lay me out because you only have one shot.” i imagine that’s the gist of it. that’s why i never fought back.

i remember one night putting a knife under my side of the bed. brad found it. that’s the night the gouge was put in the kitchen wall. i held to the knife with all my might because i knew at that point it was a stupid idea because now i was fucked. he pinned me to the wall (why do i still remember so vividly the colors of those walls?) and kept smashing my wrist against the wall. i remember being afraid on two accounts then… not only what he’d do to me after he got it free from my hand, but also that it would fall to my feet and i wasn’t wearing shoes, and there was alot of skin along the way. i don’t remember the end of the story. i probably begged. i don’t know. i think that was the same night that i had written the poem below.

truth be told, i don’t want to work through this shit, i just want to be protected and forgiven. i don’t want to turn these stories over in my head, analyze them, look for flaws in my behaviors, figure out what caused what, and all that. it’s a life i can’t even picture as being mine. and i lived it for four years. i just want to forget.

but i want to learn how to hurt a man. there is a movie i’ve always secretly liked. it’s with jennifer lopez and it’s called “enough”. and there is an older one with julia roberts called “sleeping with the enemy”, but that one didn’t strike me as much as enough did.

okay. i feel slightly better. i’m not raging inside. i’m exhausted. i think i’m taking a sleeping pill again tonight. olivia suggested sleeping on the couch… apparently that’s why i slept so well while my brother was here. apparently it’s because it feels like someone is sleeping beside you.

oh, and on that note, i’ll have to note that for all that brad did to me after i was rid of him the hardest thing to do was to sleep alone. i guess that is what i’m going through again. at least i’m not my mother. she knew that he was never coming back.

i’m so tired.

October 1999, Lest it should be forgotten.

I sit here in the dark. I feel pretty much nothing inside.
You are in a better place, but without me.
I don’t know what to say or do.
I can’t leave because you won’t let me live without you.

Death is not an option until Life is a reality. How can you die until you’ve lived?
I wonder if I will be here, and it’ll all be the same, many years from now.
I wonder if we’ll get a divorce and move on apart from each other.

I really can’t see a future, can you?
I can’t see one day when we’ll have kids.
I can’t see one day when our brothers and sisters return.
I can’t see one day when the sun shines on us together.
I can’t see one day when you dance with me.
I can’t see one day when our children are born.
I can’t see one day when they grow up.
I can’t see one day when someone else’s life continues becomes more important than our own.
I can’t see one day when you smile lovingly down at my face.
I can’t see one day when my dad is alive.
I can’t see one day when we live.
I can’t see one day when we live forever.

I don’t want it to be like this. But there seems to be a problem bigger than us.
But, you can’t fix a something that isn’t broken.
And you don’t think that there’s anything broken.

How do you love someone who isn’t themselves?
How do you love someone who isn’t alive?
How do you love someone who doesn’t notice?
How do you love someone who doesn’t reply?
I want to believe in us, but there doesn’t seem much to believe in.
I want to believe in God, but noone seems to be out there.
I want to believe in love, but there is only hate.
I want to believe in you, but you don’t seem to care.

What ever happened to when we used to talk, together?
What ever happened to when we used to cry, together?
What ever happened to when we used to laugh, together?
What ever happened to when we used to work, together?

I try so hard to look forward.
But to what?
I try not to look back,
but you do.

More and more we gain, less and less we have.
Other people envy us.
They think we’re so great.
How they would love to have someone like us,
and to love and to take.
But if only they really knew,
if only they cared.
But no one bothers,
no one dares.

Who wants to admit that something is broken,
Who wants to admit a three-cord bond that is torn?
Who wants to help when evil befalls us,
who wants to carry us thru the storm?
But up to us it is, to make it thru.
Up to us it is, to practice the things we should do.

But so far away the days seems to fade.
So far away when it all seemed so clear.
So here I sit, and there you are.
At the meeting, so close but so far.

What does it take to feel again?
What does it take to live again?
What does it take to avoid death at the end?
This letter, like all, it must end.

Do you fear death, my love, losing my life?
Do you fear the pain in my Mom’s eyes?
Do you fear answering to why I wasn’t happy?
Do you fear trying to pretend it hasn’t happened?

One day I will be gone.
One day you won’t notice.
One day I will be gone.
And no one will notice.

You’ve lost me so far.
They’ve all lost me so far.

They say when God seems far away
you should guess who moved.
I guess I’ve moved, and he doesn’t know my forwarding address.
A friend who doesn’t write,
but cares all the same?

Why doesn’t someone stop me,
from this life that I live?
Why doesn’t someone love me,
from this hate that I give?
When does it all end?

I picture my head, my hair a mess and bloody…
you accidently pushed too hard, and I hit it on the corner of the bed.

I picture my baby, laying in the toilet.
You pushed too hard, and hurt my stomach.

I think it’s better this way.
That I die so others may live.

Don’t worry I won’t kill myself,
I have someone else to do that for me.

Aug 22, 2007 - Nibbles    No Comments


tonight i went to happy hour with Kei and Chris. i did manage to get five tickets for all us to Young Frankenstein.

i was sitting there at seven when i checked my phone to find out that i had missed meeting up with Olivia. i had had it scheduled for tomorrow, and inadvertantly stood her up. i paid my bill and raced over to the spa to meet her.

afterwards we went to the mall, and she had me go into Tiffany’s and another jewlery store. she wanted to see watches (for paul) and necklaces and earrings. nobody but me knows, but shes buying us the amazing three diamond necklaces and matching earrings. the necklaces are almost $700 each. i didn’t see how much the earrings are. when she told me i told her that they are amazing, but that we love her and that nobody expects that… that if she needs to cut back that they should be the first to go! (she isn’t thinking of it, but thought i could help…) i guess i’m just stunned. no one, no one, has ever been so generous to me before. i don’t own jewelry that expensive, let alone a friend spending over a $1,000 on me! i’m stunned and humbled.

we went from there to ann taylor where i ordered $300 worth of shoes to find one pair that might work. i don’t know why, but they are all $100+ a pair. that’s as much as the dress… but oh well, its nothing compared to what she’s spending. then the lady at the counter said that i could have free shipping if i had an ann taylor card. well, brian owns the card. i looked over at olivia and then realized that it was just easier to call. so i broke the pact and called brian to get his social security number so they could look up the card. then i was just flabbergasted. he was so warm and happy and friendly and easy going. it kills me. my heart wonders if he is reaching out to me, if he misses me. then there is the insecure cynical me that “realizes” that he’s just giving me the nice guy routine, or treating me as a friend, as in here’s my effort because i don’t love you anymore but we can still be friends, right?

olivia and i went to sushi and reed called. he had texted a couple of times tonight. oli and then went upstairs for a bit and i made her tea. she left just before 11 so i could get on this crazy late night conf call i’m on right now.

so yeah, i tried hard to not think of brian today, but i saw him pulling into the garage… i looked right past him, but his face went from a huge smile to flat when he turned and saw me. and then he left his laptop sitting on the table in the conference room as we were all leaving and i had to try so hard not to care, to go over and collect his things or call and see if i should grab it for him. i mean, reasonably, he wasn’t far, but still it was in me to take care of it, of him.

also i stopped this morning on the way into the office to get a mini bottle of advil or tylenol for my purse because brian has said several times lately (and boy it kills every time) that real women always carry pain medicine. well it came in handy because miwa needed some and i had it for her. as she sat down (on the other side of Brian across the aisle) she thanked me and i smiled at her, and realized that brian was looking thinking that maybe i meant him. i think he figured out that i was looking past him, but it just sucked and at the same time maybe it made him feel good for a moment that i was smiling so genuinely, and then crushed to realize it wasn’t for him.

i have to say i feel bad that i wanted him to hurt, but i think in reflection it’s just that i wanted him to realize that he cared. that he cared that my smile wasn’t for him, and maybe there would be a moment where he wished it were for him.

okay, his name has been mentioned several times now in this call. i can’t escape him!

moving on – ok, so i’m planning out my time, both until the end of the month (i’m not going to assume that brian will be done then, but it’s a starting point to plan against) and through the end of september when i start my final quarter as a graduating senior.

mike texted earlier. i called him back after olivia left. he was waiting to board. he said he’d be there for the next hour, but i think he’ll have boarded already. honestly i’d rather not talk to him tonight, i’d rather just stick with my sad thoughts about brian.

oh, tonight made me realize just how much i distrusted brian’s intentions. he bought me the gift certificate from gene juarez (where i started tonight with olivia) and then he comes with a necklace (and i was there too… and said to her that i could never imagine him in there, she said paul or omar either, and i smiled to myself when i realized i could picture him in there far more than them; an odd kind of pride). i don’t know why guys buy gifts when they feel bad or they’ve hurt you. its so sad. why couldn’t he have bought me lingerie when he thought i was irresistable?! or a necklace when he still thought that he was going to marry me?

separately on another tangent it bothers me that i have yet, in our entire relationship, found a meaningful gift for him. i just found one for eilon – but brian, nope. i know that the cabinet was really thoughtful and that it rocks (from a functionality, duration of giving back kind of way) but that’s like getting a vacuum cleaner… or not quite as bad.

last night, did i mention, that i hurried home hoping that he hadn’t tried coming over after the show and gave up because i wasn’t there? i don’t know. but i did. i’m so pathetic. i just love him and want to huggle and snuggle and love him.

i know it’s the right thing to give him time and space, but i’ve felt so unloved (and boring) for so long that i don’t know how long i can hang on. i’m afraid the spirit of our love will have died inside me. at this point it’s all i can do. it just has hurt for so long that i think it’s burned my heart leaving a few embers in ashes.

i think this is why we keep going as we do. classic us is to get back together again, but neither of us has enough constitution to stick out necks out and give more and love until the other can love back. we’re both just too freaking scared and we hobble along until someone gives up and backs up again and then we start the next roller coast dive.

what i wouldn’t give for security. how ironic that i felt most secure when i was in actuality the most insecure.

oh well. who knew i’d be looking forward through the end of summer to school just so i could dive in again. it’ll carry me to the new year, and then i can do whatever i want or need to do.

oh, i have an interview being set up. i’m not certain i really want to – it might really mess with the little clarity i’m trying to work on, but i guess it’s not bad to continue furthering my options.

when i called rachel she was at dinner (she’s just gotten back from india) and hasn’t called me back. i checked out flights today, and like mike know that i was thinking of going. that worries me, i think that i need to establish what seems to be a foregone conclusion, but i’m really tired of thinking i’m safe and that i know where things stand and being slapped in the face. he’s supposed to be back in seattle mid-september or so anyway, so maybe i’ll just do a weekend with rachel and then see him on my own turf.

oh, another side note. i have a perverse daydream of what i’d do to the next guy who tries to take advantage of me in some way. i think about all the options, and i’m working up my mental imagery so i can see it through if ever given (or i should say when i’m given) the opportunity to see my daydream in reality. i think i had a breakthrough moment when i realized that i am afraid of fighting back, of what “he” might do (whoever he should be) to me. i guess it goes back to being fearful of brad, but to be honest i feel like it could be a relief to be hit or something. no body feels sorry for the girl who was taken advantage of who doesn’t have bruises… she should have fought back. let me castrate you mother fucker and then you can knock me fucking in the face. i’ll have my day.

Aug 22, 2007 - Nibbles    No Comments

rome and meaningful people

So as I was reading through the earliest posts the other night (because as a dumb ass I broke my privacy of years and gave this URL to Brian… what was i thinking?!) I came across a post from 2002 where I mention considering moving to Rome with Shelly. Two thoughts struck me at once. First, who in the hell is Shelly? And second, I wanted to move to Rome? I hadn’t even visited for the first time yet!

So here I am thinking I want to write about Mike. Maybe Mike will be a meaningless name one day just as Shelly is, and if that’s the case I want to have record of how he impacted my life.

Tuesday of a week ago I was hanging around in Fremont waiting on Mat to get off work so I could apologize for ditching him the previous week. We had made loose plans (albeit when he’d be drinking and he’s not had a good track record of reliability) to hang out on Tuesday night. At about 7:30 I decided to give up as I hadn’t heard from him, and started walking back to my car parked in the usual locale in Belltown. I was hungry and realized I should take advantage of the choices before going back to the Eastside. This is how I ended up at Wasabi Bistro.

Side story: Incidentally, the day prior while I was at the gym, I thought of Josh McBride and how I should look him up to work out again, and hell, to hang out since I’m amping up my social life in the short time I have before school starts again…

As the waitress is leading me to my seat at the bar, who do I see but Josh sitting there with the most amazing looking model/actress like woman. I don’t know where he finds these girls! We chat for a few minutes, promise to call, and then I head to my seat. For some reason the waitress sat my things next to a single guy at the bar. There was an empty seat on the other side of him, and one at the end of the bar next to my menus. I debated quickly whether it was better to move the menu gracefully down a seat to the end, or just take where I was seated next to this guy. I realized that I would end up chatting him up as another solo diner, so sucked it up and took the assigned seat. We started chatting immediately and had a lot of fun with our conversation. (And I got my sushi first!) I didn’t have a drink, but at this point was still a little bummed from having lost my plans for the evening, so when he finished wolfing down dessert I asked if he’d like to join me at Black Bottle, making it clear that it was just a friendly invitation, and offered to drive him down to his ferry after. He accepted, and off we went. There was just enough time for one drink there, and then I dropped him off. He got my email so we could continue our “interesting” conversation as penpals and then he mentioned he’d be back in Seattle tomorrow either way, leaving it open for me to respond. I said if he’d be interested I’d show him some of the stuff we’d talked about, most being restaurants.

I was in a brilliant mood because I remembered this being like the amazing life I used to have. Meeting random people, and feeling as though I was sparkling. It was like I was back in Rome. Vitality restored. I called Brian, and he wasn’t home yet (phone went to voicemail) and then I got the great idea to drop by and rip the CD for him (I bought the new Brandi Carlile at Swerve on my walk to Wasabi from Pike’s). So I raced upstairs, popped it in, left a postit note and got the hell outta there. Johnny said both “hi” and “bye”, he was smiling at my sing-song voice and happy face. As I was pulling around the corner of Brian’s building he called… we must have missed each other in the elevators. It left an awkward conversation, where I didn’t know what I should do. The confident Angela never would have pulled to the side, I would have stuck to the plan, but unfortunately I’m not that girl right now. I’m dying for his affection, his love, his validation, his anything. I would give anything for him to smile on me, my own personal sunshine. Anyways, I don’t really need to remember the end of that portion of the story or how it made me feel, so moving on…

The next night I pick up Mike and we head to Lake Union’s Blue Water for drinks. Conversation picks up just where it left off… I don’t remember tons of details about what we talked about, but it was just fun easy going conversation like two young kids in grade school goofy to slightly more serious stuff. That night I tell a little of the story about Brian and I. We change venues to go to Thai Tom’s for dinner, and I learn that he’s a Republican. It strikes me as funny because I realize that that means something to me now. (Indication of how much I’ve changed in the past several years.) Dinner was good, then we head to the “cozy, like it gives you a hug when you sit down” place on Captial Hill, Bleu, for after-dinner-prior-to-dropping-him-off-to-go-see-the-boys-drinks. (Yaffe was in town.) I had one lemon drop, and then he ordered a second round, and then we bolted for the ferry. He missed the ferry, Brian told me that there was no reason to come over, and I had to pee. I killed time with him while he waited for the next ferry (which wasn’t until 12.50am!) and actually fell asleep. The next day we met up again (which only happened because I had my violin lesson) though I was feeling pretty miserable. I think I had an allergic reaction or something, because in total I had 4 drinks in 6 hours, with a big dinner. He headed to the airport, and I thought, well that was cool.

I was surprised, not entirely, but still, surprised when he called from Hawaii (this is all business travel) and each day since. I don’t think there’s a day we have chatted at least briefly. He’s this weird buddy who reminds me of a golden retriever while not in a way that makes him pitiful. He’s a solid single guy who’s attractive, dresses well, makes good money, and has a great personality. He’s also Republican and Baptist with an Alabaman southern accent living in Cleveland. He reminds me of how much I’m in love with Brian. Oh, sure, he thinks I’m a moron and he’s a big naysayer for my own good. But looking at him I know that I love Brian. Just as in Italy with Marano, I have no desire, and the thought of dating him. Yag thought he sounded perfect, and that’s when it hit me that it just isn’t. Brian’s the one for me. Sure I can see positive qualities in other people. I can look at people and appreciate “he’s hot” or recognize feeling fantastic like I should with Brian. But it’s not something I want, I want Brian. I love Brian. I want to find that again with him. It’s all I’ve wanted since we first went astray… when we first met and broke each others hearts before we could even admit that we were just right.

So that’s the story of Mike. I’m happy he’s in Cleveland, because I don’t need him getting any ideas, but somehow I’m sure that it’s not about that for him either. We’re two nearly genderless people who can provide a virtual shoulder in a hectic world. And he knows that I love Brian despite as much as he’s trying to kick me to the curb. And somehow I think he doesn’t judge me for that… he just does his best to understand and reason with me.

So I don’t know who Shelly is, and maybe 5 years from now I won’t remember who Mike was. But it’s nice to have people come in and out of your life to be there when you need them.

And Andrea? Well that’s another story. I think it kills him to see me in so much pain. I don’t talk to him right now because I think he can’t reconcile the girl he knew in Rome with the one I am here at home. Frankly I have a hard time doing the same. It’s just insane to see how insecurity wrecks the soul, your confidence, your self-esteem… your sparkle.

I can have Rome here. I know it. And now I know that I have to, even if it means that I lose the love I have sought for so long. Because if I don’t, why would he want me anyway?

It’s nice to know I have support, I have friends. They are friends I’ve known all less than six weeks, but they are my friends. And anyone who would question that, well, they don’t me.

This is my life. I remember this.

Now to meet friends for happy hour!

Aug 22, 2007 - Nibbles    No Comments

i just remembered…

one of the most awesome things about being single – traveling on a whim! i’m looking at tickets for two weeks out.

side note:
had coffee with a friend this morning and after chatting he told me about a choice he made for a girl. he asked if brian would ever do the same for me. i realized i had just posted about that (was it last night?). but’s that’s not really what i’m about. i know what brian is about, i’ve known from the beginning. i’m not going to try to have him compromise his career to take care of my needs. at the same time, i’d like to think that i take care of (or remain aware of) my own, but it’s a choice i make to be with him. i believe that one day there will be time for more travel, or living somewhere with some god damn sunshine. but hey, to be with brian means being in seattle. so i guess the answer is no, but i think maybe one day. but either way, i’m no dummie.

Aug 21, 2007 - Nibbles    No Comments


i just got back from eilon’s place and i’m so elated. it looks so fantastic, he has a real home. it’s cozy and wonderful and amazing. you will be or would be so proud. i was beaming with pride and it was so very hard not to call you and tell you about it. when i experience joy and happiness, i want to share it with you.

i’ve decided that i’d rather feel happy than sad. that i’d rather not sit here and ‘wait’ miserably. that may be harder than i imagine at this point, but i’m going to try.

if i can be happy without you, then surely i could be happy with you if we are together again. and if we aren’t then it only helps that i’ve moved on and found my own happiness.

i just have to swallow the lump in my throat when i realize all the things that i want to share with you, and that i can’t… i must move on. i think that’s what you want me to do. this isn’t our summer. you warned me in the spring, and i’ve been in denial ever since. besides, you don’t even appreciate summer or even Dave like i do. so it’s okay, you wouldn’t get it anyway.

today it’s been rolling around in mind what you said last night (was that only last night, it seems like so much has moved inside me). you said that you used to find me irresistable. you couldn’t resist me.

i know i can be that again.

Come see
I swear by now
I’m playing time against my troubles
I’m coming slow but speeding
Do you wish a dance and while
I’m in the front
The play on time is won
But the difficulty is coming here
I will go in this way
And find my own way out
I won’t tell you to stay
But I’m coming to much more
Aug 21, 2007 - Nibbles    No Comments


are you thinking of me? do you miss me? or at least just feel a little sad that i’m missing it?

i feel oddly content, sad, and just thinking of you. hoping you’re having a good time, and feeling that warm feeling of love. and hoping that maybe, just maybe, you think of me at least for one small moment fondly.

on the other hand, it would kill to know you didn’t think of me at all, or that you did and you were glad i wasn’t there or that it was with a bad thought.

i wish i wouldn’t have told you that i didn’t miss you when you called. that wasn’t the truth, i just didn’t know any better. the truth is that i had missed you. and then let go of you.

Aug 21, 2007 - Nibbles    No Comments

the backstory

they say first you get mad, then you get even.

not me.

i get mad, frustrated and hurt all in one devastating ball that usually comes with a runny nose that needs blowing.

and it’s usually, or at least lately, because i’m feeling pretty stupid about something.

the backstory on last night…

on sunday night i was shopping online for folding lawn chairs so i could pick up two for the show, to surprise brian.

the day before that i cleaned my house and organized things and made it pretty and neat… just in case brian was going to spend the night after the show. (it needed it anyway, but it was specifically to please him)

and you want to know the sad thing? i would give anything to have him show up to sleep in my bed tonight.

[reflection: one night two weeks ago he showed up after a dinner and said that he wasn’t planning on spending the night. i smirked to cover the pain that he’d lie, that he couldn’t tell the truth. the truth is he packed a bag before he left his house… unless he planned on staying at someone else’s house?!]

another side note: jana spoke of him coming to north carolina, i thought that was this week… if so, i take a little bit of comfort in the fact that she didn’t know that he’d changed his mind. course if he did go, i don’t think i could handle it. what does your heart do when its already broken…? just break into smaller pieces until its dust? i guess that’s true. i guess that’s how you stopping love someone else.

i worry that when/if we get back together again that he won’t be able to love me in a way so as to convince me that he really is there and invested. that he really wants to be with me. that he chooses me. that he is committed to me, to us.

after all that we’ve gone through and will have been through, what can you do to start fresh? how do you symbolize a new beginning?

does he know that he’s going to have to come to me? does he know that he has all the power? does he know he holds my heart in his hand as it bleeds to death?

i thought he knew that i was waiting for him to claim me as his girl again before i left for italy. i think that was even in writing somewhere.

maybe he really didn’t want to… maybe he thought about it and didn’t realize he wanted me until after i was gone.

why would you be so careless about such a special thing?

all our relationship has been built upon how very god damn technical he is about everything. remember the arguments over whether we were dating or seeing each other? when did he first call me his girlfriend?

technically we’ve been broken up since april, friday the thirteenth.

Aug 21, 2007 - Nibbles    No Comments

can’t… stop… blogging…

“ok fyi it might not be charlie, I’m not sure who gets the ticket… “

in being honest with myself i have to admit that i believe this means that he’s “prepping” me for one day finding out that a cute chick who was previously identified “got” the ticket.

i don’t believe him when he says that when he said “if i’d have known [that we weren’t dating] then i would have done things differently” means that he wouldn’t have made different choices when presented with options i’ll never be aware of.

i wonder if he knows/remembers that HE was the one with the control. that he was the one who broke up with me. that he never claimed me again. that he never bothered to mention that i was his girlfriend again. it didn’t stop me from acting in accord with that [insert proper girlfriend reaction and behavior with Marano here]… but it still hurt like hell.

ok. so in the interest that i can drop this, because it’s a current hurt and not one that i can just bury but instead need to vent on, i’ll vent here and hope that i never bring it up again.

july 5th-7th, “our guest jana”. it was a great way to end a holiday away, missing my boyfriend. i couldn’t understand why he hadn’t called. i was trying to be cool about it. he was flying home (took more than a day of flying) and then he was surely exhausted, and then it was july 4th. but i became a mad woman, missing him, and wondering why he didn’t miss me too?

then i go to show rachel his photos. the internet connection had died in sorrento… it’s funny, i wouldn’t have seen anything there… but days later it’s staring me in the face.

no wonder he didn’t have time to call.

my trip was boring compared to his weekend.

the worst are the few photos of just her at the barbeque. not group shots… photos of everyone. no, just a couple of just her. her looking at him.

brian mentioned last night how people are sweeter to you when they feel guilty.

i wonder when he bought the locket.

P.S. I wish I knew what he was thinking when he posted these pictures… did he mean to hurt me? Did he think that I wouldn’t care (how could he ever imagine that I could be secure enough to deal with them)? The only reason I try hard to believe she means nothing is because I can’t really believe that he was so mean. He couldn’t possibly have thought at all about how it would feel to see these photos. Therefore, he really couldn’t have meant anything by it… but that’s why his comment about having done different things if he’d known haunts me. that’s why she haunts me. they just look like they’re having so damn much fun. they look good together. and to think i was missing him. it makes me so very sad. he didn’t call until the weekend.

Aug 21, 2007 - Nibbles    No Comments

fix me

When you try your best, but you don’t succeed
When you get what you want, but not what you need
When you feel so tired, but you can’t sleep
Stuck in reverse

When the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can’t replace
When you love someone, but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?

High up above or down below
When you’re too in love to let it go
If you never try you’ll never know
Just what you’re worth

When you lose something you cannot replace
Tears stream down your face

And I…
Tears stream down on your face
I promise you
I will learn from my mistakes
Tears stream down your face

And I…
Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

Aug 21, 2007 - Nibbles    No Comments

for the duration

its so hard not to email brian. i’m used to communicating, or maybe it’s just because now i can’t. i start emails and have to close them and turn here instead.

just was wondering…

“if you could ask me to do something, to be something, to focus on or change something while i’m waiting and giving you time and space, what would it be?”

i just realize that i’m inclined to wait because it preserves the moment, the love, the inclination to love and adore him and not instead to return to the pain of rejection, of “commitment” that came to such a crushing end.

i realized in writing that sentence that i don’t know what he wants from me other than to go the fuck away. i don’t know how to best be ready for us if that should be what happens. i am taking violin lessons and italian lessons during the week, and besides this week, i see my therapist weekly. nights are the parts that are hard. thankfully right now i’m just really tired, and i will be tomorrow night too because i’ve committed myself to plans so i won’t be sitting at home missing a show. (instead i’ll be out doing the same, but whatever.) so tomorrow night, wednesday, i’ll hopefully have a quiet night at home either reading, or watching some movie (i want to rent “Little Miss Sunshine”)… i guess in that moment i hit on the point of what bothers me about this whole thing in relationships where people need time and space. things change, people change, moments are had and passed, and people grow during that time and space. i’ve been wanting to see Little Miss Sunshine with Brian since Andrea told me how good it was. but i’ve been waiting patiently because i want it to be a good experience… but meanwhile i’m dying to lose myself in a good movie… if i give in and see it, it’ll be a moment passed for us. sure someone might say that that’s trival and i’m way too into experiences… but i am.

i’ve enjoyed all the experiences with brian. last night he mentioned the foriegn flick that i netflixed and then he watched after i immediately passed out. in some distant way that’s validation to me that movies are, just like concerts, and other things, special moments to be treasured with someone you love.

another example? i have the fremont outdoor theater on my calendar for Saturday night. i added it last week, and i don’t think i ever sent it to brian. i was just hoping that after all the visitors had finally cleared out of town that we would have settled into something that would have allowed for us to experience that for the first time, together.

but i realized that waiting isn’t healthy. but i still don’t want to go see the show without him. i don’t want to see Little Miss Sunshine and not share it with him. but what AM i supposed to do?

both school and brian have made me feel like befriending or rekindling a friendship would be unfair during this short time period. they would serve as temporary friends who would be dropped as soon as either the school quarter starts, or brian and i reconcile. and if we don’t reconcile…

i guess that’s the other thing that sucks about this. i really do just have to sit and wait. i hope brian remembers that i loved rome before i thought that he’d ever hate me. the two inclinations are not interwined. unfortunately i know that his needs, his career are more important (to him) than me (or being with me, if i need to be elsewhere)… so while in rome andrea helped me work through my independence and realizing what it is that i specifically wanted. what i want is to be happy. i want to be able to give back and to have a full life. bottom line is that i want my confidence and security back. that’s a complicated little thing… it’s intertwined in both my relationship with brian, my relationships with others, and my career.

my relationship with brian has left me nothing less than devastated. i never felt truly secure. he has a tendency (understatement) to speak in absolutes. if i like the beach it’d be a deal breaker because he can’t stand it. religion was always under the covers.

fuck. jesus christ. how the fuck did i forget that? last night when i told him how it is that i never felt/knew that he was committed to me for pretty much the duration of our relationship he seemed flabbergasted and as if i had insulted him. well i just recalled the misery of waiting, waiting, waiting to have “that conversation”…. you know the one where we’d talk about our future, evaluate the concerns i knew he had about religion (and lay some of those to rest, and hopefully leave him a little more at ease) but we never could… every time i would approach it, it was as if he didn’t want to break the moment… it left me feeling like the conclusion of that conversation was to be dreaded… that he was just preserving our time together until he told me that he could never marry me because _______. i never really wanted to push; me and my insecurity. i didn’t want to see like that girl who was pushing for marriage. i don’t want to be labelled as the girl who says “we need to have a talk” (though i’ve certainly earned it by now, haven’t i?).

why don’t i stop to realize these things before it’s done so much damage. i sit here and wonder how my self-esteem could be so devastated when seemingly our relationship should have helped build it along the way. well i miss so many obvious things. it’s not like i’d say (before it popped out of my mouth last night and sounded true) that brian wasn’t really committed to me. as a matter of fact, i would say that we are, but we just don’t talk about it… i’m sure i’ve told corrina that before. it was barbara (and now janice) who pointed out that we’ve been casual about each other the entire relationship, that we’ve always been one foot out, that we haven’t truly committed to each other, as barbara would say “have each others backs”, or as i saw to be fighting for each other (mutually).

in a conversation about two weeks ago with barbara i told her that we have always been out of sync, when one of us is more invested the other one is protecting them selves, more distanced. we’re never both 100% invested, secure, and loving at the same time.

i’m rambling. i do that. i do it when i’m tired especially. i’m sitting here wondering why goldfarb is still sitting in his office.

the sun keeps trying to make its way out. i’ve felt bad all day because i don’t want it to. i thought i was being selfish, that my motivation is that i didn’t want his night to be pleasant.

i’m happy because i just realized (as i look out and still hope that clouds cover again) that it’s not about that… i just don’t want to be missing out. i gallantly said that wilco is his thing, but music is my thing. and if i didn’t know him, i’d be there. but as long as it’s crappy weather outside i can tell myself that i don’t want to be. i know it’s not the truth, but it’ll get me through the night.

btw, i cry in the shower. i can’t believe the unbelievably bad timing of not having a shower. i need to cry.

i need to cry for all the things i’m so sorry for
i need to cry for all the things i wished i’d done
i need to cry for all the simple decisions i wished i’d made differently
i need to cry for all that’s been wasted between us
i need to cry for all that’s been lost along the way
i need to cry for all that we might miss out of
i need to cry for all that we might never know
i need to cry for that we might have been
i need to cry for the past
i need to cry for the present
i need to cry for the future
i need to cry for all the fears i hold inside
i need to cry for the fact that he might find me boring again one day
i need to cry for the fear that he might not tell me so
i need to cry for the terror that he’d stay with me “for the kids”
i need to cry for the horror that we got here
i need to cry for the shame that so much of it was preventable
i need to cry for the regret that i couldn’t save us
i need to cry for us
i need to cry for me
i need to cry for you

i need a shower.