Browsing "Nibbles"
Aug 21, 2007 - Nibbles    No Comments

so exhausted

i’m so exhausted but i’m just plugging away at stuff to get things cleaned up and moving workwise.

meanwhile i am a very vaguely sad. when brian walks by my door (three times today, this is day one of “not seeing each other”) he looks in at me. i don’t know whether he’s trying to catch my eye (which incidentally i’m trying to avoid to avoid the pain) or if he just can’t help it. ah! he just walked by and shot me a look. i guess he’s packing up to leave for the show (tonight is wilco… my ticket turned out to not be mine since he paid for it).

i’m tired. i don’t really feel much. i guess i’m kind of numb.

Aug 21, 2007 - Nibbles    No Comments

my to do list

i keep writing notes on crazy things like the top of my daniel’s broiler leftovers box, jersey mike’s paper napkins and backs of reciepts. i don’t want to forget these ideas, so i’m going to put them here. i’m not sure why i’m apologizing to myself for this – i guess it’s just because it seems to break the purist spirit of this blog.

  • make a list of things forgive …. forget; need to stop remembering the past, it’s the past and we (can) have a great future and the pieces of the past are what brought us here
  • post the “irony” image that janice showed me last week. it’s a good sentiment, backdate it to the right day
  • start a “timeless” photo album that chronicles all the good memories — i’ll never be a creative memories girl, but i can do that.
  • “Seek first to understand, then to be understood.” i just learned that this quote is from seven habits of highly effective people. i own it (or used to) and never read it, maybe that would be a good enzyme for current growth spurt
  • document my thinking on rome, moving, hopes, goals, work, etc. need to understand each of the facets of what’s going on in my life right now because the lines aren’t cut and dry. i have to examine them together, not individually.
  • examine the fear of starting grad school. a three year commitment. a commitment i’d willingly make if we were commited, but i guess my fear is proof of my underlying feeling that the commitment wasn’t there. should we have talked marriage more? future? it never seemed to be an issue until i realized i’d assumed our future was secure and together right up until being dumped.
  • can i treat him like a prince after giving time and space, or will i have lost my “reckless abandon” rush and be more cautious, reserved, insecure, etc? could he deal with that, and we rebuild together, or will he be angry? i say angry, i guess, because i’d expect him to want to punish me and for me to make recompense. does times and space negate recompense? can we get out of the “you owe me” mode that we keep getting into? is it just me that’s felt that way?
Aug 21, 2007 - Nibbles    No Comments

hiding my heart

he called tonight as i was chatting online with corrina. i don’t know whether or not he had thought about wilco, but i had just mentioned it to corrina. i’d been waiting all day, well all weekend really.

it’s interesting the absolute and incomplete way he speaks. he doesn’t want to see me anymore. he doesn’t say how long, he doesn’t acknowledge we work mere doorways apart. he doesn’t say much more than that.

try as i might, i can’t stop fighting. i consider it a failure that we stayed on the phone for so long. meanwhile it felt good because he broke his silence and shared real feelings. it was hard at the end of the conversation because it felt good, and i broke that by focusing on hurting about dave and wilco.

i’m not going to wilco. he’s going to dave.

will i regret that?

i told him about the fear i’ve lived with through our entire relationship. always wondering if he was committed to me. our anniversary. business trips where i felt so utterly alone while he shined and lived it up without me. how bad i feel for having stopped taking care of him while i was so focused on school. how i want to learn certain things, but how insecure i am about doing it. about how much there is to learn together.

i’m so exhausted. i put a countdown on my vista sidebar. “10 days brian” dave matthews, labor day, our anniversary.

Aug 21, 2007 - Nibbles    No Comments

lying to himself

i think it’s just in his nature not to be honest. i don’t take it personally anymore, but i suppose it’s also something that keeps me from trusting his words. it’s not malicious, i think its second nature and well intentioned, but that doesn’t keep me from feeling like i can’t trust things he says or feels…

wilco: he said he hadn’t thought of wilco or what not when he called… but he immediately charlie needed a ticket.

commitment: he said about a week ago that he “had made that choice… i chose when you were in italy” and then i realized that would have been his motivation for buying me the necklace. isn’t that choice, the choice to choose me, the definition of commitment? (he thought i was crazy when i said i didn’t know that he had committed to me… that he’s never chosen me… but evidentally i was right… though that isn’t to diminish the commitment he’d made to our relationship, he’d only committed to me just a few weeks ago.)

i don’t feel like pointing these things out would help much, but i’d prefer to start chronicling things i think to help me learn how to maneuver through our relationship better. to better understand him and the complicated way he thinks and doesn’t.

Aug 20, 2007 - Nibbles    No Comments

Fallen Angel

When all the world falls down at your feet
But it isn’t the whole world really, just yours
The heart is sadden, the spirit downtrodden
And you’re left to wonder why must you go on

Such a complicated web of relationships
Where not one can be trusted to be unbiased in all
The lover is the co-worker of whom you’re ashamed to see you in all your failure
To know that his business would be better off without you
To wonder if that’s why he’d send you to Rome

A friend who began as a mentor, an excuse for cocktails really
A competitor, another to whom you’re too ashamed to admit how far you’ve fallen
Who peers into your personal life, where you’ve let her in
And even there she pities you, all you’ve become and all that’s been done
For you’d she cry and it breaks your heart

A mother who hoped that her daughter would have so much more
Who told stories of terror and fear and complacency, of getting by
Who thought that none of this would be befall us
Who would be so terribly disappointed to learn the truth
Disappointed to know I’ve become everything she’s wished not

A pal who’s like a brother, who at the same time he envies you he laments your decline
To whom it seems ungrateful to complain, after all I take for granted what he seeks to obtain
Who jokes the jokes that strike the deepest
Of who you’ve been told you treat beneath you
Who’s devotion is taken for granted each time the sun shines on you

And a best friend who strikes at what matters most
The core of who you remember once being
The one who watched you fall an angel from grace
The one who could truly say you’ve risen from the ashes
The one who put the last nail in the coffin, confirmed all that you are and are not

There’s a candle burning in the world tonight
For another child who vanished out of sight
And a heart is broken, another prayer in vain
There’s a million tears that fill a sea of pain

Sometimes I stare out my window
My thoughts all drift into space
Sometimes I wonder if there’s a better place

Tell me, where do fallen angels go
I just don’t know
Where do fallen angels go
They keep falling, falling, falling…

Now the times is frightening
Can’t ignore the facts
There’s so many people
Just slippin’ through the cracks

So many ashes are scattered
So many rivers run dry
Sometimes your Heaven is Hell and you don’t know why

Aug 19, 2007 - Nibbles    No Comments

painting gives you plenty of time to think…

and i was just thinking…

i wonder when you might ever call me just to say “good night” again

or when you might say “i love you” when we hang up the phone

i wonder if we’ll ever dance in the living room again

and maybe the fumes are getting to me, but now i wonder if ever i might get a chance to make a good memory against that concrete pillar

i wonder if i’ll ever get to see us together as i see us in my heart

Aug 19, 2007 - Nibbles    No Comments

logic

you are my best friend, and you always want to be my best friend

as my best friend you love me and want the best for me, for me to be healthy and safe

your finest moments in loving me are in my worst moments of living where you demonstrate just that. you put yourself and your heart and your feelings aside to care for me, to take care of me, to help me heal, so that i may one day become a secure and confident woman as i remember being as a little girl.

this all feels fantastic. this feels like what love should be. i don’t know what love is, but if it isn’t that, what else is there?

then i am sad.

this is my messed up logic.

what point is there in becoming that amazing me that you and and i believe in, if it isn’t for you? why would you invest so much in me and treasure the outcome? why would you love me so much and not love me?

there are many things i don’t understand. this is the one that overshadows me every day, and has since the spring.

all my logic can do is to say that you don’t love me in that way. but i don’t know what it is that would be missing so that could possibly be true. we connect by just looking into each others eyes when we lay our heads down beside each other. we connect in the most intimate of movements and motion.

so when i lose my sense of self and i say over and over “i don’t understand”, maybe you can at least understand what i mean.

i’m just emailing. i don’t want responses. i just want to share. i want to send the thoughts from the deepest depths of exploring my heart and soul out there into the world to the only one i put faith in.

if we aren’t lovers at least being friends can really mean something.

if i can’t be loved, i just want to be understood.

i was content today when you guys came to see eilon’s house. you seemed happy and i was happy. at little sad, but happy. that made me happy. to see you at ease, relaxed.

Aug 14, 2007 - Nibbles    No Comments

janice

i guess everyone thinks we’re not committed to each other. janice went behind her desk and brought out a framed print to show me. i held it in my hands and realized she’s right.

Aug 9, 2007 - Nibbles    No Comments

jana

i’m sitting here my heart being crushed under the weight of jealous. one twitter at a time.

it’s 100+ in N. Carolina.

No worries, he has a couch, wink wink.

we’re going to g. love tonight. i thought this song is so appropriate. i’m trying to make sure i never look back and wonder, never wonder if i could have done something more, wonder what would have been if.

this is brian’s song. he won’t know he’s singing until it’s too late.

your words don’t come easily no more
i wonder what your doing every second that i’m not with you

and now i see what i put you through
i should be gone
something keeps me hanging on
it’s instinct

but all this pain i feel doesn’t phase you
it’s funny what the drugs will do
and now i’m crying

now how could someone spend so much time so close
and almost so far away
how could two people stay together so long
just because they’re afraid to walk away

i swear to god we’re breaking up this time

the time is so wrong but the feelings so right
won’t you let me kick it just one more time
won’t you let me love you and hug you and squeeze you tight
won’t you be my darlin tonight
kiss me one more time before you turn your back forever
now you’re walking away

look me in the eye and smile like you did the very first time i called your name
tell me everything’s gonna be alright
even though i can’t hold back these tears
for five long years i was afraid to give it up
now you’re gonna leave me and my best friend is gone
i swear to god we’re breaking up this time

why won’t you let me love you baby
startin from scratch

why won’t you let me love you baby
startin from scratch

you’re my friend, and my sister, my lover
i don’t wanna find another to replace you
start all over again, start all over again

i swear to god we’re breaking up this time