Today I spent the better part of five hours in an “argument” with Curtis. The nice thing is although it was miserable to go through I think at the end we got somewhere.
I love him. It’s hard to think of all the problems we’ll have to face going forward that other couples never even think about. It’s hard when every once in awhile someone does a reality check on me. Today I had lunch with Brian, and he gave me a doubtful look when I said that Curtis would go with me to the meetings.
I wish there was someway to make this all right. I’m not about changing the person I love even if it would make my “dream world” perfect. And being a Jehovah’s Witness isn’t worth anything unless it’s whole-hearted.
In my perfect dream world everyone would come to our wedding (including all my friends) because Curtis (along the way of time) had decided he believed as I do, and got baptized as a “servant of Jehovah”. My parents would embrace him with open arms (I already know that except for that they’d love him to death) and my friends would welcome him into “our group”.
We’d have kids who’d hang out with Ashley & Chris’ (when they have them of course) and the next time a quickbuild came around we’d be working on it together, side-by-side, and who know’s maybe he’d even work with my dad.
But that’s not happening. It’s nice to think about though. I love him. Although I don’t think loving him is a mistake, I take comfort in the words of another of his favorite songs “loving might be a mistake, but it’s worth making”.
On another note, the conversation from today: Curtis made so many good points. It’s hard to accept that I’ve become so depressed and dependant. That I’ve given up having control of my life, and taking charge of my own happiness. That always makes me think of Mike’s dad, Big Mike, when he told me I am in control of my happiness.
I need to snap out of looking for anyone else to hold me up. I need to stop leaning on Curtis, and I need to stop doing things that take me away from my goal.
I only wish I had someone to support me. I’ll never take for granted again what it means to have people who really know your path, and understand your life. I hope that one day when we make it to that day, that Curtis will be able to share that with me too. That we truly can be one. One in all ways, and in the most important way.